Opening 14: All the way to Spain to be saved by The Germans!

Last Wednesday (For the fourth year in a row) I went to try and kill myself for a week at the annual Psychobilly Meeting in Pineda De Mar. It takes place in various venues around the resort and it was with playful intent that I skipped to the airport to get myself ready for some unofficial opening, Spanish style!

Of course, I wouldn't be able to open either Luton  or Barcelona airports as my scissors, thanks to the heightened threat of terrorism over the last decade, have to packed into my hold luggage, but I figured it wouldn't be too hard to find a variety of places to give a right good unofficial opening to. HOW WRONG I WAS!

That night I checked in to the AquaHotel Promenade (three stars), completely forgetting to "Cut the ribbon" on the way in. The Magma disco was no better later on, either, when I had too much to drink and couldn't hold the scissors responsibly. Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday saw me fail to unofficially open the festival tent because security wouldn't let me take sharp objects in. The days were no better - I considered it to be far to dangerous to put my scissors in my swimming trunks and (with no other pockets) was unable to open unofficially the hotel pool.  The lovely "Can Josep" restaurant remained stoically unopened despite several visits there and I never made it to the Xinu Xanu (the local tourist train) to tighten the red and snip, more's the pity.

The last night was the party on the beach and well, nobody takes scissors to the beach so I thought that was just about jolly well that. Cesc Fabregas was still undecided about his future (I reckon I could have got him the short distance  from Barcelona but not The Emirates for crying out loud), Manuel from Fawlty Towers was bizarrely absent and as for the Iglesias's, well, the less said the better. Then my friends Marina and Mellina informed me that they were leaving on Tuesday. Hang about! Two more perfect ribbon-holders you couldn't wish to meet! Add my room-mate Steve into the mix on photographic duties and the next thing anyone knew, Bang!

Mellina (pictured left) and Marina (pictured right and playfully adding a little dance into the bargain) getting ready for action.  Hold that ribbon, tight, girls - here's Paul! 

Done!

The first ever unofficial opening of Pineda De Mar railway station!

It was a shame we had to let them go, really. They really were quality unofficial openers. Make sure to check back here soon for some more UNOFFICIAL OPENING!

Opening the end of a festival - with quirks!

Vicfest happens on the second bank holiday in May every year ("Whit Week") and I always offer my services as rambling roustabout comedy type to them as it raises money for two excellent charities that currently escape me. This year I performed as the penultimate act on the last night in the barn that (a week later) I would get covered in glitter in at Dolly's Barn Party. No matter - there's an unofficial opening to get on with!

I figured I hadn't opened a festival just before it closed yet and as it was a special occasion I was keen to get a photograph of the audience for once and take the pic myself - seeing as I couldn't thus be in it to cut the ribbon myself, I thought I'd get a Time Bandit to do me the honour of wielding the scissors. The ribbon holders for this one were the lovely Chloe (On her second "opening" so now a veteran - her first one was the infamous first video opening further down the page) and her mate, whose name (I think) started with an "F". Since I was technically opening the festival it seemed sensible to do it from the stage and this additionally added to the slight oddness of the occasion, seeing a it was during my set, unannounced and treated largely with friendly bemusement. My set involved debut performances of "What Difference Does It Make" and "Young Parisians". Morrissey was nowhere to be seen (no real surprise there) but I was a little disappointed that Adam Ant couldn't make it - we'd both been in Newcastle the night before and I, at least, had made the effort.

I broke every rule in the book for this one - the ribbon holders aren't in full view, I didn't cut the ribbon myself, it was taken from the reverse angle to usual but in my defence: an obscured Time Bandit is an ideal Paulyb substitute, it gives a great idea of the crowd assembled and both the girls had particularly nice hands.

Oh and this is the main venue for Vicfest but it also takes place in both the pub itself AND the car park. It really is quite a big deal. So raise your glasses and let's have a big cheer for the landlady of the Victoria public house (the eponymous Victoria Kevans), charity fundraising and of course Unofficial Openings! Prost! Bock! Naz dravri! Skol!

All Hail Morris! After seeing this blog he emailed a couple of photos he'd taken himself of the momentous occasion. I've picked the one where I am the most obscured so you can see the ladies in their full glory and a particularly iconic scissor. Some of these unofficial openings just write themselves! Moztastic!

Oops! My first forgotten opening! A watery treaure!

(I should have posted this one before the unofficial opening of The Angel Of The North but it somehow excaped my attention). There probably aren't many people who have unofficially opened a waterfall. I am one of the few. I went here by chance, on a whim, by accident, perhaps by destiny. It is called Teesside High Force

Hmm nice waterfall - looks ripe for opening, but hang on - there's no-one about to hold the ribbon!

...And with scissors and ribbon in hand I was desperate to give it a thorough unofficial opening, particularly as I had never even heard of it before, let alone seen it. It cost me £2 to park and a further £1.50 to be allowed to walk the half-mile gently undulating path to it.

PROBLEM

It was also largely deserted. I only had one companion with me to hold the camera and no-one to fulfil the ceremonial duties! Not to be outdone, I settled on a cunning plan...

...Tie the ribbon to this handy wooden fencepost...

I know, I know - not really fulfilling the obligations of "Unofficial Openings" but you can't blame me for this one - my flagrant disregard for my own rules is tempered by the beauty of the surroundings

...Aaaaaaaaaand snip!

Nice

Teesside High Force you are unofficially OPEN! Sadly Chris Rea, Bob Mortimer and Paul Daniels were unavailable, as (seemingly) were all the other famous people to hail from Teesside. I'm sure they'll be there next time. Spread the word about unofficial openings and I'll see you all soon for some more.... UNOFFICIAL OPENING!

Opening 11 - My first (and finest) Northern landmark!

Few monuments in the UK are more striking or prominent than The Angel Of The North, looming proudly over the A1(M) around Gateshead in The North East of England. It was officially opened around 1997 but it took fourteen years for me to unofficially open it and I had to cajole the lovely Buchanans into holding the ribbon for me. We had never met before but you know what they say - Unofficial Openings bring people together...

The Angels of both The North AND South. But how is this lonesome opener going to get this baby unofficially opened?

Why, by getting the help of lovely couple Neil and Lianne Buchanan of course!

Beautifully snipped and yes, they chose to keep the ribbon as a memento. I wish them well for the future and hope to get  equally nice ribbon holders in the future!

Sadly Alan Shearer was otherwise engaged, The Animals were out of town and Gazza could have been anywhere. I'm sure they would have sent their apologies though. Spread the word about Unofficial Openings and check back soon for more!

An indoor opening at the 300th attempt!

Well here's another esoteric opening for all you DIY radio enthusiasts out there, this time occurring in my own flat!

Punky! Radio is a weekly podcast that I make with my mate Tony and to celebrate its 300th show we got some mates round to act as a "Live" studio audience and all had a drink or two. What better atmosphere for a lovely convivial opening! over the years we have played music by bands as diverse as Alien Sex Fiend, Guana Batz, Duran Duran and The Gossip. Sadly none of them could be there on the night but I know that if they could they'd have loved to have watched us cutting the ribbon on another (quality) podcast.

Sulu and Amberance holding the ribbon, Felix holding Sulu, Tony holding his own Phil barely holding it together and yours truly gripping the scissors... But would G get his moment (finally) to catch me cutting the ribbon? (He missed the first opening by seconds)

This show had everything: Recorder/Bazouki mash-ups, songs, stories, listener involvement and plenty of cider! I really do hope we're not around for the 600th but trust me, if we are, I'll unofficially open that too (As long as my scissors aren't blunt by then). Please spread the word about Unofficial Openings and there'll be more of them along soon! Cheers!

Yes he would! Well done G! Quality opening! (Shame about the blurry photo but the cider was already flowing!)

Hey - here's a great idea - why not listen to the 300th show to celebrate! Woohoo! I love unofficial openings!

Unofficially opening a foreign muppet theatre!

Having already opened Zagreb airport I really had the unofficial opening bit between my teeth as I travelled around Croatia last week but it took until Varasdin before I had my scissors and ribbon with me and the stars fell sufficiently into alignment for a cheeky little ad hoc opening just after I had performed on stage in this most beautiful of theatres

Me getting stuck in to 300 foreigners - just the way I like it

I dragged my driver, Filip round to the front doors (I know - I had a driver! This opening verged on official) and procured a couple of hot chicks who were eating ice creams. Well I'd already had the rock going on in Blackpool - so why not? I like a bit of confectionary symmetry. One of them was a little reluctant but when she saw my ribbon she fair old grabbed it. Carpe et diem, Croatian lady! Carpe et diem!

You're right - we had quite a few people hanging around watching this one and some of them even applauded when the ribbon was cut!

Sorry the photograph isn't better, but I'm afraid Filip (Although a very good driver) is a very bad photographer. The first shot he took failed to get any of us in the picture at all so this is actually something of a miracle. David Bailey would not be impressed. It's a good job he wasn't there. Neither was Goran Ivanisevic, more's the pity. I've always liked him.

Opening 8 - Overseas opening! (1)

I know, I know - you could have been mistaken in thinking that "Unofficial Openings" had closed but no! We've just been on hiatus as I've been through a phase of forgetting to take my ribbon out with me on excursions. Last week I remembered, however, and despite a minor logistical hitch (I had to put my scissors in my guitar case as they wouldn't let them on the plane in hand luggage, thus preventing any ad hoc openings on the way through the departure lounge) I got this little beauty on arrival at Zagreb airport which has now been unofficially..... OPENED!

Today's openers were my travelling companions (and fellow comedians), Nick Wilty and Sully O'Sullivan, both of whom needed little convincing that this was a good idea. The two women in the background are simply a little piece of eye candy...

Sadly, Slaven Bilic, Stiliyan Petrov and Robert Prosinecki  were unable to attend as they all had prior commitments, I imagine. This was our first hit-and-run opening as our driver Filip had to leave his car in an extremely dangerous place and run over to take the shot for me as I didn't fancy my chances of explaining to any Croatians what I was attempting to do. This is something I will have to take into consideration for later foreign trips.