Opening 24 - A Hungarian Pay Off!

Hello there, opening fans! Hot on the heels of me unofficially opening "laughter" in Austria I found myself but a day later in Budapest, scissors primed for another esoteric unofficial opening. Now what could possibly follow something as mind-blowing as unofficially opening jollity in one of Europe's finest (And sternest) capital cities? I needed something special and it showed up in the shape of the area's foremost promoter, Howard Cohen...

Here's me with Howard, shortly before I went on stage at Smiley's comedy club, Budapest - and don't we look smiley!

Howard had enjoyed the previous night's opening so much he fair old begged me to come up with something to unofficially open in Hungary that hadn't been opened in a very long time indeed - something special, something that would bring the nation together, something that could make everyone sit up and smile. I thought long and hard about what I could possibly open that could do this and then I thought to myself - hang on a minute! This guy is notorious for never putting his hand in his pocket! There's only one thing for it! Let's unofficially open...

His wallet!

Well, ribbonites, I had a problem because guess what? He hadn't even brought his wallet out with him! Why would he? He's only the guy responsible for paying the acts on the night, he's only the front man for The Baby Blue Banana comedy empire! He's only got the tram down to the gig with us so he can have a drink as well. Obviously, the drinks must be free for him, because HE HASN'T GOT ANY MONEY AT ALL so why would he need a wallet?

This was an unofficial opening though - and an esoteric one at that, so I wasn't going to let a little thing like a lack of a wallet stop me, no sir! I had a brainwave - Howard has a new business partner and any business partner of Howard's is going to need his wallet on him at all times! Enter Ken! Ken is the latest in a long line of people who Howard is going to end up owing money to so he might as well get used to getting his wallet out on Mr. Cohen's behalf! Photographer procured, Howard positioned, ribbon holders co-opted and it was time for quite simply the funniest opening I've ever done! The entire audience were in stitches - it turns out Howard Cohen owes half of them money too! Is there anyone this man doesn't owe money to? Mexico? Northern Rock? Did Greece lend him a tenner? Who knows? All I know is that we can now declare Howard Cohen's wallet unofficially... open! Unfortunately Bela Bartok and Erno Rubik couldn't make it. The former had a great excuse - he's deceased. The latter (I imagine) was probably trying to work out the latest fiendish puzzle to come out of Hungary - how does anybody get any money out of Howard Cohen?

Wait for it, Hungarian cameraman! Wait for it...

Kapow! Look at the grin on the cheeky fella! I didn't see where he put Ken's wallet but I suspect it may have gone in his back pocket...

There was a problem, though - I was so giddy with excitement that I did something terrible. You know the song "I left my heart in San Francisco"? ...I left my scissors in Budapest! I imagine Howard has pawned them by now so until I can locate an identical pair, unofficial openings is on hold! Don't worry though - it won't be long before I'm at it again so check back soon for more Unofficial Openings!

Another Foreign opening - Gelächter in Österreich!

Guten Tag unofficial openers! Well what a week it's been! Not one, but two openings in not one but two different countries in not one but two different central European capital cities! You'll be telling me next that they were both esoteric! They were!

Last Tuesday saw me arriving at Cafe Jose Feliciano in downtown Vienna to perform at their first ever regular comedy night and I was so excited! Not only was I going to be headlining the gig but I was also going to be meeting my adoptive Austrian daughters, Sabi and Miri...

Here I am with Sabi and Miri. I first met them in 2008 at a music festival in Spain. Little did they know that three and a half years later I would be putting them to work, scissor fans!

...Well! with typical Austrian efficiency they were right on time, we got stuck into some Zipfer beer (When in Austria and all that) and before I knew it Dan Thomas had taken to the stage and was making everybody giggle...

Here's Dan, pre-show with some of the audience. He looks ecstatic -  Of course he was - he was but minutes away from an esoteric unofficial opening!

The interval came and went and my scissor fingers were fair old trembling as I took to the stage. I made sure I warmed up the crowd a bit before unleashing this particular opening, it being a little controversial, to say the least. Austria is not known for being full of chuckles and has a reputation for austerity, fascism and, well,  a certain stuffiness - but that all changed at The Baby Blue Banana comedy club as with the help of my Austrian babies, I unofficially opened...

Look how happy we all are! Of course we're happy! We're in Austria!

...Laughter!

Yes, that's right, you snip-happy lunatics! Laughter! Never again shall Austria miss out on this most fantastic demonstration of happiness! I'm here to bring joy, unofficial openers - I'm here to bring joy! Sadly none of Austria's famous faces could make it down for one reason or another so I had no opportunity to bump into Adolf Hitler, Johan Strauss II or Hans Krankl but there was a famous Austrian pop singer there, whose name escapes me. Oh well! Make sure you check back here soon for the second leg of my Central European Esoteric Unofficial Opening Opus!

Legs Eleven!

Greetings, unofficial openers! Our latest opening was a numerical nightmare to sort out and it only happened in the nick of time! Now I'm not one for waking up early so when the eleventh of November 2011 came about I knew there was no way I would have my scissors ready for 11.11am (And eleven seconds) so I figured I would instead wait until 11.11pm (And eleven seconds) on the eleventh day of the eleventh month of the eleventh year to get me some opening, unofficial-style.

To do this properly I would obviously need eleven people but I thought to myself that I'd got all day and it should have been easy to work out. I could then easily be at The Victoria pub (My favourite opening destination) to unofficially open a time. with a good twelve hours to sort it all out.

Wrong!

Well the day just flew by and I hardly had time to pack my ribbon before I was on my way to my monthly comedy show in Hitchin. The brilliant Matthew Hardy was on the bill and wouldn't you know it? The gig ran late and I only had (of course) eleven minutes to get to the pub!

The very funny Matthew Hardy - I had to put the camera on "zoom" to get this shot of him on stage at my comedy club...

I took huge loping strides along with a couple of snip happy compadrés, barged into said boozer and yelled "I need eleven people in the car park - NOW! Did I get them? YES! Did they know why they'd been dragged out into the cold? NOT REALLY.

Oops! Somebody's left his camera on the "zoom" setting and now we can't see everybody...

Minor consternation ensued when the cameraman explained that he had taken a close up shot and a couple of stragglers had to be reassembled. It also had run on to 11.12pm but hey - let's face it. Unofficial Opening is all about opening things that are already open so what better thing to do than be a minute late! Camera settings altered and gang reconstituted I was finally able to say that 11.11pm (and eleven seconds) on the eleventh day of the eleventh month in the year 2011 was unofficially.... OPEN!

I know what you're thinking - there are only nine people in this picture! That's because one of them was very short and is completely obscured by my apparently massive frame (!) and the other one... was taking the picture of course!

Sadly of the eleven assembled we did not include any of Hitchin's many Glitterati so I am sorry to report that we didn't have Arvind Parmar, Ben Hull, Kevin Phillips, King Offa or Pam Rhodes in attendance. I imagine they were all off playing tennis, acting, scoring goals, being a dead former king of Mercia or hosting Songs Of Praise respectively. Lastly, I have just realised that this is actually opening number 22, which as I'm sure you giddy ribboners will know, is exactly divisible by eleven! Oh I'm no stranger to Mister maths, my friends, no stranger at all. Make sure you check back here soon for more Unofficial Opening!

21 Today! - An unofficial opening of something before it's open!

According to the band "Serious Drinking", the revolution starts at closing time. No way! Not for us ribbon junkies it doesn't! The revolution starts right here - at opening time!

...And what an opening we did today! I realise that conceptually it's important to keep these major events as fresh and cutting edge as possible, so when my friend Maria asked me if I would unofficially open her Tranquil Therapy Reflexology And Reiki Swedish Massage Salon the day before it was officially opened, I fair old skipped round there, scissors at the ready! It wasn't long before we'd persuaded her (very funny) daughter Sofia to get involved (She didn't take a lot of persuading) and requisitioned her neighbour, Ron, to be on unofficial camera duty. I did try to explain to Ron what we were doing but I don't think he really had unofficial opening in his blood and eventually I gave up and we agreed he'd just take the pictures. So off we went!

Here are Maria and Sofia. Maria is the brains (and hands) behind "Tranquil". She is pictured to the right, should there be any confusion. I have no doubt that Sofia  will one day be a successful small business woman, but currently she is seven years old and needs regular breaks.

The two most difficult things were getting the angle right so we were all in the photograph (Ron's job) and getting my shoe and sock off, openers - I'm not as young as I used to be. Tasks taken care of, I didn't take much cajoling onto that oh-so-comfy massage table, scissor lovers, and with a mighty roar, the Tranquil Therapy Reflexology And Reiki Swedish Massage Parlour was unofficially...

Good shot, Ron! Please notice foot raised aloft for comedy effect. Do you like what I've done there, unofficial openers?

...OPEN! Sadly local Letchworth dignitaries Michael Winner (hates the place) and George Orwell (Dead) were unable to attend this most auspicious and unique of occasions, but I'm sure they were there with us in spirit. What am I saying "unique" for? They're ALL unique, ribbon freaks!

Footnote - lots of our ribbon holders have requested to keep the ribbon so they can do something imaginative with it, such as make quality headgear but this time round Sofia was very creative and mum Maria thought it was so good, she'd copy her (Mums, eh? Are they ever original?)

Fu Man Chu and you and you and...

Check back soon for more unofficial opening and don't forget - keep your eyes peeled, your ribbon tight and your scissors sharp - I could be unofficially opening something near you at any moment!


For more information: Tranquil Therapy , Holistic & Beauty treatments for relaxation, well being and restoring positive energy. Mariaprezio@btinternet.com

Opening 20 - Happy Birthday, Dad!

Seeing as the last opening I did was an entire nation, I decided that I needed to downsize a little in scale, if not in importance, scissor fans! Unofficial opening isn't all about the biggest and the greatest, it's sometimes about the situation and the circumstance. Hence, as a special treat for my Dad's birthday in our local "Harvester" restaurant, I thought I'd bring the old scissors and ribbon along for a little bit of unofficial opening, birthday style!

Well! Obviously the entire contingent could barely contain their excitement for the salad bar so I had to wait until we'd got healthy course number one down our sockets before I whipped out my camera and opening accoutrements and what a response! This was very much an all-male affair although my mum did take the photo. Sister-in-law Jane, niece Olivia (and her friend Charlotte) were all a little camera-shy but hey - that's their prerogative, unofficial openers!

Ahhh - what a happy family scene. (Clockwise from front) There's me, nephew Louis, brother Tim, dad Barry (The birthday boy - sixty two years young!) and nephew Matthew - all grinning with pride and rightly so - this was also our twentieth opening and the only thing better than the event itself was the ribs - mmmmm.... tasty!

Now I also give my holders the opportunity to keep the ribbon and my two nephews, Louis and Matthew were both very keen to retain hold of their halves of this most essential ingredient for any quality opening. I've had occasional interest in people adapting their ribbon as a top-notch clothing item and Check out opening five for a previous example of this but Matthew, unprompted, turned himself into a pocket-sized Kung Fu fighter without so much as a by your leave, you snip-happy hombres!

Matthew demonstrates an excellent use of discarded ribbon and doesn't he look a tinker!

Bruce Lee or Jackie Chan weren't around but I've got a feeling I may have bumped into Chuck Norris on my way to the gents but I couldn't be sure so best not dwell on that! Check back here whenever you can for more quality unofficial opening and remember, when it comes to scissory shenanigans, it's not the size of the opening that matters - it's the quality! 

Opening N N N N Nineteen and it's N N N N National!

Och Aye The Noo Unofficial Openers! My journey home from Scotland took a lot longer than I was expecting because I kept stopping at places with silly names for fun and games and obviously for some potential openings. Sadly, most of the places weren't as much fun as their names suggested and by the time I got to the border my scissor fingers were fair old itching to snip some ribbon in almost any circumstances.

The bizarrely named Crook Of Devon. I could find no information about this little place, what it's doing in Scotland I don't know and sadly there was no-one about. Hence my look of disgust -  I can't very well unofficially open something by myself, can I?

But what was I to do? I stopped off at the viewing point where our two nations collide because I had espied a burger van and, well, if I couldn't get an unofficial opening in before I left Caledonia, I was at least going to have a cheeseburger!

As I got out of the car I saw a group of lads clowning around by the border stone and offered to take a photo of all of them. They were made up that they could all get in the picture (They had been arguing about who would take the shot of the rest of them doing the clowning) and then - POW - it hit me! This was an opportunity that I was unlikely to get again. I got a cold sweat, I shook with trepidation and as they stared at me in disbelief I cried out "You could be ribbon holders! You could take the photo! It's opening time!"

Look at the genuine joy on the faces of these rapscallions! It's not every day you get to unofficially open an entire country!

Seconds later, there I was, scissors in hand, the ribbon was cut and I declared England unofficially... OPEN!

There wasn't a Roman in sight, I didn't hear a single Northumbrian pipe and I had failed to arrange for The Proclaimers and Lindisfarne to affect a Mexican stand off, but it was still emotional. Shortly after this the batteries on my camera died which was a shame - because I'd had another brilliant idea to unofficially close  Scotland on the way out. Never mind - they took the photo themselves! sadly, I'm still waiting for it but should it show up ever, I'll be sure to add it to this blog. Check back soon for more unofficial opening, ribbon fiends!

Opening 18 (just): Marsbarstewards harboring a terrible secret!

Hi there unofficial openers! Here's a bit of controversy for you! The day after I finished my run at The Edinburgh Fringe Festival 2011 I continued my Scottish Iliad in a Northerly vector as I travelled up to the ancient and historic town of Stonehaven on the Caledonian North East coast to compere a gig that featured Gary Delaney, Wayne The Weird and the quite ridiculous Trevor Lock. As I drove into the town I was welcomed with the following sign

Home of the pneumatic tyre? Hmm...

Well! I had no idea! As I continued into the town I also saw THIS!

...Makes sense now!

Famous for two things? The spare tyre and the deep fried mars bar - I can't help thinking the two are connected...

With no time to track down the birthplace of R.W. Thomson and possessing a particularly itchy scissor finger, I decided I simply had to unofficially open The Carron Fish Bar! But Oh woe! When I approached them I was DOWN RIGHT FLAT REFUSED to go anywhere near the place, ribbon fans. I asked for the manager who was busy upstairs and wouldn't even listen to my enquiry. I pondered this - why wouldn't they want a bit of free publicity? what could they possibly be hiding? They couldn't stop me taking a photo of myself though, looking thoroughly glum and bewildered...

As luck would have it, I managed to get the photo without the "M" for "Mars". Quite fitting, with hindsight.

...I don't give up that easily though and with the ribbon already cut I was going to have to unofficially open something and hit upon the idea of going down to the harbour. Parked up and with my mood already lifting I hit a double jackpot - not only is the little bay beautiful and steeped in history...

Stonehaven Harbour - an unlikely place for a meeting of minds but hey - that's Unofficial Opening for you!

...It was also being visited by a certain Ben and Heather. She set up the "UK Skeptics" group in Aberdeen and he had a very interesting angle on conspiracy theory. I told them of my deep-fried mars bar-related plight and without batting a skeptical eyelid he deduced that "Maybe The Carron Fish Bar is NOT really the birthplace of the deep fried mars bar". OF COURSE! They're living a lie, scissor people, THEY'RE LIVING A LIE. Anyway, all things considered, it seemed only right that they helped restore balance to the cosmos and thank goodness they did because their inspiration led me (later in the day) to perhaps my most esoteric opening yet. For now, though - let's consider Stonehaven Harbour officially...

Ben and Heather - ribbon holders of fine repute and cunning deduction

...OPEN! Come back soon for some more unofficial opening - and spread the word - That way, you never know, I could be in your town soon, cheekily sorting out a little bit of UNOFFICIAL OPENING!

Opening 17 - A big hill or not a big hill? That is the question!

Greetings unofficial openers! Seeing as I'm up here at The Edinburgh Fringe Festival it would have seemed sensible to get myself up Arthur's Seat and do a bit of unofficial opening al fresco, particularly as it dominates the scenery to the South and East of the city. It's perhaps the city's most famous landmark, surrounded as it is, in Holyrood Park about a mile from the castle. My problem, of course, is that I'm too lazy!

This is Arthur's Seat, as viewed from Edinburgh Castle. Apparently the easiest access is from its East side. I certainly couldn't be bothered to find out.

Seeing as there was absolutely no way I was ever going to climb it I was going to need an alternative. When I set myself an opening challenge, it has to be seen through. What I needed was an alternative Arthur's Seat. My first instinct was to look for a Seat Alhambra owned by anybody called Arthur and simply stand there and open it as he got out of the car.

Could this be Arthur's Seat?

This was also problematic as I didn't have the patience to ring everyone called Arthur in the Edinburgh area or indeed approach the Seat dealerships and ask them if they had sold their quality (and reasonably priced) people carriers to any men called Arthur.. What was I to do? it was such a quandary - but then, eureka! I hit on the rather ambitious idea of contacting Edinburgh's second most famous Arthur... Arthur Smith!

Comedy's favourite grump

Arthur can truly be called an Edinburgh legend. Surely he sits down sometimes and if he does, he's sitting on Arthur's seat. All I had to do was track him down. My flatmate Susan had appeared at his live gig "Arthur Smith's Pi**ed Up Chat Show" in The Pleasance Dome and said I should contact him. I didn't have an email address or a phone number and he could possibly have been a little tricky to actually find. After a couple of days of fruitless Smithsearching I gave up, went to the Loft Bar and got drunk. Fortunately, he'd had the same idea, we talked briefly and two nights later, there I was, unofficially opening the chair he was sat on!

Arthur Smith (Centre back), his sidekick, Derek (Really called Phil and who I played poker with the night before) to his right, one of the show's assistants to Arthur's left and yours truly, scissors in one hand, mic in the other to the front. I realise it looks a bit like I'm holding them to his throat, but that's just perspective, honest.

I also got to meet Cornelius Lysaght (who was one of the other guests) who is a thoroughly nice chap. Check back here for more quality unofficial opening soon and spread the word about this blog! Let's go unofficial opening crazy!

Openings 15 & 16 - Caves and kids!

Well it wouldn't be right that I'd come all the way to The Edinburgh Festival and not brought my scissors, now would it! Trust me to only have a limited supply of ribbon though - Doh! Anyway, in true Unofficial Openings style, I didn't open my own show the first day I was there in Auld Reekie. I opened it, of course, on the second. I also didn't even do it at the start of the show, but about fifteen minutes in. Thanks to these lovely ladies for this little beauty

The Unofficial Opening of "Tweeting Beauty", the comedy show I am performing at Edinburgh's most haunted pub, The Banshee Labyrinth. I am not actually as fat as I appear in the photo. I was at a funny angle. YES I WAS.

Sadly Gordon Brown couldn't make it down there and I imagine The Proclaimers were probably off yodelling their way around Lithuania or something. It wasn't enough for me though. The thing about The Fringe Festival is that it's utterly frantic and you get asked to do more and more things so scissors in hand, I went off to do a Kid's show the next day and BAM! My first pre-teen unofficial opening. This photo published with permission from the parents. We don't want getting in any trouble on here, Unofficial Openers!

One of the dads in the room took the photo and I think he did a great job! This was at Mike Belgrave and Nick Coppin's "Huggers" show. A great fun blend of comedy and madness for grown ups and kids alike - a bit like Unofficial Openings, then! My thanks to Ria Lina for lending me her kid as well. Oh and yes - the photo does indeed prove that I'm not as fat as I look in the previous one so nerr. I AM NOT FAT

Make sure to check back here regularly for more Unofficial Openings! Right, I need to get more ribbon - I'm fresh out of it!

Opening 14: All the way to Spain to be saved by The Germans!

Last Wednesday (For the fourth year in a row) I went to try and kill myself for a week at the annual Psychobilly Meeting in Pineda De Mar. It takes place in various venues around the resort and it was with playful intent that I skipped to the airport to get myself ready for some unofficial opening, Spanish style!

Of course, I wouldn't be able to open either Luton  or Barcelona airports as my scissors, thanks to the heightened threat of terrorism over the last decade, have to packed into my hold luggage, but I figured it wouldn't be too hard to find a variety of places to give a right good unofficial opening to. HOW WRONG I WAS!

That night I checked in to the AquaHotel Promenade (three stars), completely forgetting to "Cut the ribbon" on the way in. The Magma disco was no better later on, either, when I had too much to drink and couldn't hold the scissors responsibly. Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday saw me fail to unofficially open the festival tent because security wouldn't let me take sharp objects in. The days were no better - I considered it to be far to dangerous to put my scissors in my swimming trunks and (with no other pockets) was unable to open unofficially the hotel pool.  The lovely "Can Josep" restaurant remained stoically unopened despite several visits there and I never made it to the Xinu Xanu (the local tourist train) to tighten the red and snip, more's the pity.

The last night was the party on the beach and well, nobody takes scissors to the beach so I thought that was just about jolly well that. Cesc Fabregas was still undecided about his future (I reckon I could have got him the short distance  from Barcelona but not The Emirates for crying out loud), Manuel from Fawlty Towers was bizarrely absent and as for the Iglesias's, well, the less said the better. Then my friends Marina and Mellina informed me that they were leaving on Tuesday. Hang about! Two more perfect ribbon-holders you couldn't wish to meet! Add my room-mate Steve into the mix on photographic duties and the next thing anyone knew, Bang!

Mellina (pictured left) and Marina (pictured right and playfully adding a little dance into the bargain) getting ready for action.  Hold that ribbon, tight, girls - here's Paul! 

Done!

The first ever unofficial opening of Pineda De Mar railway station!

It was a shame we had to let them go, really. They really were quality unofficial openers. Make sure to check back here soon for some more UNOFFICIAL OPENING!

Opening the end of a festival - with quirks!

Vicfest happens on the second bank holiday in May every year ("Whit Week") and I always offer my services as rambling roustabout comedy type to them as it raises money for two excellent charities that currently escape me. This year I performed as the penultimate act on the last night in the barn that (a week later) I would get covered in glitter in at Dolly's Barn Party. No matter - there's an unofficial opening to get on with!

I figured I hadn't opened a festival just before it closed yet and as it was a special occasion I was keen to get a photograph of the audience for once and take the pic myself - seeing as I couldn't thus be in it to cut the ribbon myself, I thought I'd get a Time Bandit to do me the honour of wielding the scissors. The ribbon holders for this one were the lovely Chloe (On her second "opening" so now a veteran - her first one was the infamous first video opening further down the page) and her mate, whose name (I think) started with an "F". Since I was technically opening the festival it seemed sensible to do it from the stage and this additionally added to the slight oddness of the occasion, seeing a it was during my set, unannounced and treated largely with friendly bemusement. My set involved debut performances of "What Difference Does It Make" and "Young Parisians". Morrissey was nowhere to be seen (no real surprise there) but I was a little disappointed that Adam Ant couldn't make it - we'd both been in Newcastle the night before and I, at least, had made the effort.

I broke every rule in the book for this one - the ribbon holders aren't in full view, I didn't cut the ribbon myself, it was taken from the reverse angle to usual but in my defence: an obscured Time Bandit is an ideal Paulyb substitute, it gives a great idea of the crowd assembled and both the girls had particularly nice hands.

Oh and this is the main venue for Vicfest but it also takes place in both the pub itself AND the car park. It really is quite a big deal. So raise your glasses and let's have a big cheer for the landlady of the Victoria public house (the eponymous Victoria Kevans), charity fundraising and of course Unofficial Openings! Prost! Bock! Naz dravri! Skol!

All Hail Morris! After seeing this blog he emailed a couple of photos he'd taken himself of the momentous occasion. I've picked the one where I am the most obscured so you can see the ladies in their full glory and a particularly iconic scissor. Some of these unofficial openings just write themselves! Moztastic!

Oops! My first forgotten opening! A watery treaure!

(I should have posted this one before the unofficial opening of The Angel Of The North but it somehow excaped my attention). There probably aren't many people who have unofficially opened a waterfall. I am one of the few. I went here by chance, on a whim, by accident, perhaps by destiny. It is called Teesside High Force

Hmm nice waterfall - looks ripe for opening, but hang on - there's no-one about to hold the ribbon!

...And with scissors and ribbon in hand I was desperate to give it a thorough unofficial opening, particularly as I had never even heard of it before, let alone seen it. It cost me £2 to park and a further £1.50 to be allowed to walk the half-mile gently undulating path to it.

PROBLEM

It was also largely deserted. I only had one companion with me to hold the camera and no-one to fulfil the ceremonial duties! Not to be outdone, I settled on a cunning plan...

...Tie the ribbon to this handy wooden fencepost...

I know, I know - not really fulfilling the obligations of "Unofficial Openings" but you can't blame me for this one - my flagrant disregard for my own rules is tempered by the beauty of the surroundings

...Aaaaaaaaaand snip!

Nice

Teesside High Force you are unofficially OPEN! Sadly Chris Rea, Bob Mortimer and Paul Daniels were unavailable, as (seemingly) were all the other famous people to hail from Teesside. I'm sure they'll be there next time. Spread the word about unofficial openings and I'll see you all soon for some more.... UNOFFICIAL OPENING!

Opening 11 - My first (and finest) Northern landmark!

Few monuments in the UK are more striking or prominent than The Angel Of The North, looming proudly over the A1(M) around Gateshead in The North East of England. It was officially opened around 1997 but it took fourteen years for me to unofficially open it and I had to cajole the lovely Buchanans into holding the ribbon for me. We had never met before but you know what they say - Unofficial Openings bring people together...

The Angels of both The North AND South. But how is this lonesome opener going to get this baby unofficially opened?

Why, by getting the help of lovely couple Neil and Lianne Buchanan of course!

Beautifully snipped and yes, they chose to keep the ribbon as a memento. I wish them well for the future and hope to get  equally nice ribbon holders in the future!

Sadly Alan Shearer was otherwise engaged, The Animals were out of town and Gazza could have been anywhere. I'm sure they would have sent their apologies though. Spread the word about Unofficial Openings and check back soon for more!

An indoor opening at the 300th attempt!

Well here's another esoteric opening for all you DIY radio enthusiasts out there, this time occurring in my own flat!

Punky! Radio is a weekly podcast that I make with my mate Tony and to celebrate its 300th show we got some mates round to act as a "Live" studio audience and all had a drink or two. What better atmosphere for a lovely convivial opening! over the years we have played music by bands as diverse as Alien Sex Fiend, Guana Batz, Duran Duran and The Gossip. Sadly none of them could be there on the night but I know that if they could they'd have loved to have watched us cutting the ribbon on another (quality) podcast.

Sulu and Amberance holding the ribbon, Felix holding Sulu, Tony holding his own Phil barely holding it together and yours truly gripping the scissors... But would G get his moment (finally) to catch me cutting the ribbon? (He missed the first opening by seconds)

This show had everything: Recorder/Bazouki mash-ups, songs, stories, listener involvement and plenty of cider! I really do hope we're not around for the 600th but trust me, if we are, I'll unofficially open that too (As long as my scissors aren't blunt by then). Please spread the word about Unofficial Openings and there'll be more of them along soon! Cheers!

Yes he would! Well done G! Quality opening! (Shame about the blurry photo but the cider was already flowing!)

Hey - here's a great idea - why not listen to the 300th show to celebrate! Woohoo! I love unofficial openings!

Unofficially opening a foreign muppet theatre!

Having already opened Zagreb airport I really had the unofficial opening bit between my teeth as I travelled around Croatia last week but it took until Varasdin before I had my scissors and ribbon with me and the stars fell sufficiently into alignment for a cheeky little ad hoc opening just after I had performed on stage in this most beautiful of theatres

Me getting stuck in to 300 foreigners - just the way I like it

I dragged my driver, Filip round to the front doors (I know - I had a driver! This opening verged on official) and procured a couple of hot chicks who were eating ice creams. Well I'd already had the rock going on in Blackpool - so why not? I like a bit of confectionary symmetry. One of them was a little reluctant but when she saw my ribbon she fair old grabbed it. Carpe et diem, Croatian lady! Carpe et diem!

You're right - we had quite a few people hanging around watching this one and some of them even applauded when the ribbon was cut!

Sorry the photograph isn't better, but I'm afraid Filip (Although a very good driver) is a very bad photographer. The first shot he took failed to get any of us in the picture at all so this is actually something of a miracle. David Bailey would not be impressed. It's a good job he wasn't there. Neither was Goran Ivanisevic, more's the pity. I've always liked him.

Opening 8 - Overseas opening! (1)

I know, I know - you could have been mistaken in thinking that "Unofficial Openings" had closed but no! We've just been on hiatus as I've been through a phase of forgetting to take my ribbon out with me on excursions. Last week I remembered, however, and despite a minor logistical hitch (I had to put my scissors in my guitar case as they wouldn't let them on the plane in hand luggage, thus preventing any ad hoc openings on the way through the departure lounge) I got this little beauty on arrival at Zagreb airport which has now been unofficially..... OPENED!

Today's openers were my travelling companions (and fellow comedians), Nick Wilty and Sully O'Sullivan, both of whom needed little convincing that this was a good idea. The two women in the background are simply a little piece of eye candy...

Sadly, Slaven Bilic, Stiliyan Petrov and Robert Prosinecki  were unable to attend as they all had prior commitments, I imagine. This was our first hit-and-run opening as our driver Filip had to leave his car in an extremely dangerous place and run over to take the shot for me as I didn't fancy my chances of explaining to any Croatians what I was attempting to do. This is something I will have to take into consideration for later foreign trips.

A minor failure and a Live indoor first!

Unofficial Opening is not an exact science and is dependent on the occasional trigger fingers of untried snappers. Hence I only have one photo of my attempt to unofficially open The Langford New Comedian Of The Year on Friday night (Not the actual winner, obviously - that would be rude). This wasn't the only trial of the evening but was probably the least taxing:

The lovely Steve just couldn't seem to get one of my openers into the picture (I refuse to accept responsibility for my errant arm). I was also not about to punch the other one, honest.

Since I couldn't get both of the ribbon holders in the shot it of course means that I cannot say I successfully  opened the Langford New Comedian Of The Year...

...I was also upset that Adam Ant had failed to make it down there. I put it down to the constraints of the latest budget - fiscal measures affect pop stars too! I kept my fingers crossed that he would show up the next night, however as I had another opportunity over the weekend to put it right, in the shape of Dolly's House Party - a burlesque and comedy show I put on in my mate's front room. It's also my first LIVE opening, in that it was recorded on video as well as in photo form. Please excuse the two naughty words in it (i got a bit "Wayne Rooney") and enjoy!

Opening 6 - Rocked...

My friend Mia lives in Blackpool. Here she is by The North Pier:

Mier by the Pia and in the shadows, well not the band, just in a bit of shadow

She noticed I had a gig in Lancaster and suggested I went home via Blackpool so as to unofficially open its tower. Great idea! I thought but on arrival was stumped by it being covered in Scaffolding and various other building things which meant we couldn't get a good enough angle (or near enough to it) for a legitimate opening...

Curse you pesky renovators!

...The problem was that I had already got my ribbon ready and I wasn't going to waste it so I thought to myself  "What else is Blackpool famous for?". Rock of course! Right by the tower entrance there was a rock shop, called "Ginos" so I thought I'd open that instead. Cilla Black and Roy "Chubby" Brown and Al Green were nowhere to be seen (no real surprise about Al).

Here's the rock shop by the tower diner, with what appears to be a giant stick of rock in the way.

Unofficial openings are a four person operation and Mia and I were but two, so commandeered the shopkeeper Mervena, who looked very confused, was very Eastern European but had been sat there long enough to pick up a Lancashire twang. For my other unofficial opener I asked a girl at one of the tables (called Suzanne) outside the pub to the right of this photograph who had heard my explanation (and understood it far better than Mervena) and looked positively enthusiastic as she dived under the partition apron demarcating the pub's external borders and fair grabbed the ribbon off me for a cheeky little unofficial opening par excellence

You will notice Suzanne and Mervena  are holding sticks of rock for extra authenticity and that Mervena has remained seated (Which I actually found a little disrespectful of such an auspicious occasion)

In fact the only time Mervena got out of her chair was when she charged me for the rock

So there we have it - Gino's Rock shop by The Blackpool Tower unofficially OPEN! If you'd like me to come and unofficially open something near you then email me here

PS. This was the first time we got a spontaneous round of applause for an opening. The shadows give away the lateness of the day and there were half a dozen drinkers present throughout who I think it would be safe to say "Weren't on their first of the afternoon". It really completed the sense of occasion

Opening 5 - Bath time!

Have ribbon, will travel. I was in Bath on Sunday with a few hours to kill so I enlisted the help of Paul & Emily from the River Cottage Canteen at Komedia (Where I had been playing the night before), shortly after they had fed me much needed elderflower & rose juice, roast lamb and hot coffee. Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall was NOT in attendance. His reasons were undoubtedly legion.

Paul (holding ribbon) and Emily (wearing it). Notice Komedia sign in background. Ooh I'm right arty

We set off in search of something truly ancient. After Roman all over the place we settled on the Cross Bath of the ancient Thermae Spa. According to the official website, "Where the Cross Bath now stands, the Celts revered their goddess Sul, in whose honour the Romans named their spa town, Aquae Sulis. The Cross Spring is now recognised as an official sacred site". All I know is, it needed unofficially opening! We got lucky with today's random photographer, a lady tourist who was leaning her head back against the spa's outer wall, lost in the history and drama of her surroundings. Suffice to say she wasn't expecting me to come at her with a pair of scissors.

Ready...

Steady...

Go!

She was a cracking "unofficial opener" and took the above tryptych without prompting, instinctively understanding the importance of the occasion. I didn't catch her name.

Tell your friends about Unofficial Openings and if you'd like me to come and unofficially open something near you, email me here