The first opening of 2012 - and it was a Tyrolean disaster!

A belated Happy New Year, snipping chums! 


Since I lost my scissors in Budapest I've been looking around to try and get a pair exactly the same and when I finally did I ordered them online, but beware, brothers, BEWARE. When they arrived they were a different colour! Never trust the internet! Apparently my beloved 2011 editions had been discontinued and so it's out with the turquoise and in with the... grey. I guess the colour reflects both the state of the nation AND my hair so we'll be using them for the rest of the year to unofficially open a whole host of things that have already been opened!

First up for the annum potentialis and I once again found myself in Austria, this time on a comedy & skiing trip to the fabulous St. Anton. After liaising closely with the tourist office, booking the flights, booking the hotel, getting the posters designed (and printed) and contacting the hotels, pensions and chalets throughout Arlberg I was confident that the three shows I had booked with my fellow comedians Dave Thompson and Christian Schulte-Loh would be a bumper bonanza of comedy and fun.

This is the view from the balcony of our chalet in the nearby village of Pettneu. Ooh! I wonder if that skiing lady is on her way to buy tickets to our show?

Wrong.

Who knows exactly the reasons why but after two very low audiences we really had put our faith in our last show and so it's fair to say I was disappointed when we only got six people in to it. Well there was only one thing for it, ribbonjunkies! I had to get the entire audience on stage, get one of them to take the photograph, get the other comedians to hold the ribbon and unofficially open an empty room.

Here's Dave (left) and Christian (right), tightening that ribbon in a really quite severe fashion. They are both very tall but not quite as massive as they appear - They were on the stage and I was on the floor, honest. I managed to keep smiling, ribbonites, but this one was a push. Nevermind - we snip onwards AND WE SNIP UPWARDS!

This might have been my most depressing opening yet, but I remained scissor-happy and with good reason - the next opening I had planned was going to be a beauty. In other words, keep the faith, opening monkeys! greatness awaits! Tell everyone about unofficial openings! Tell them now!




...And check the above link out for some other great blogs, mostly written by American women. Once a month they get a bit angry but they don't know why.

Opening 24 - A Hungarian Pay Off!

Hello there, opening fans! Hot on the heels of me unofficially opening "laughter" in Austria I found myself but a day later in Budapest, scissors primed for another esoteric unofficial opening. Now what could possibly follow something as mind-blowing as unofficially opening jollity in one of Europe's finest (And sternest) capital cities? I needed something special and it showed up in the shape of the area's foremost promoter, Howard Cohen...

Here's me with Howard, shortly before I went on stage at Smiley's comedy club, Budapest - and don't we look smiley!

Howard had enjoyed the previous night's opening so much he fair old begged me to come up with something to unofficially open in Hungary that hadn't been opened in a very long time indeed - something special, something that would bring the nation together, something that could make everyone sit up and smile. I thought long and hard about what I could possibly open that could do this and then I thought to myself - hang on a minute! This guy is notorious for never putting his hand in his pocket! There's only one thing for it! Let's unofficially open...

His wallet!

Well, ribbonites, I had a problem because guess what? He hadn't even brought his wallet out with him! Why would he? He's only the guy responsible for paying the acts on the night, he's only the front man for The Baby Blue Banana comedy empire! He's only got the tram down to the gig with us so he can have a drink as well. Obviously, the drinks must be free for him, because HE HASN'T GOT ANY MONEY AT ALL so why would he need a wallet?

This was an unofficial opening though - and an esoteric one at that, so I wasn't going to let a little thing like a lack of a wallet stop me, no sir! I had a brainwave - Howard has a new business partner and any business partner of Howard's is going to need his wallet on him at all times! Enter Ken! Ken is the latest in a long line of people who Howard is going to end up owing money to so he might as well get used to getting his wallet out on Mr. Cohen's behalf! Photographer procured, Howard positioned, ribbon holders co-opted and it was time for quite simply the funniest opening I've ever done! The entire audience were in stitches - it turns out Howard Cohen owes half of them money too! Is there anyone this man doesn't owe money to? Mexico? Northern Rock? Did Greece lend him a tenner? Who knows? All I know is that we can now declare Howard Cohen's wallet unofficially... open! Unfortunately Bela Bartok and Erno Rubik couldn't make it. The former had a great excuse - he's deceased. The latter (I imagine) was probably trying to work out the latest fiendish puzzle to come out of Hungary - how does anybody get any money out of Howard Cohen?

Wait for it, Hungarian cameraman! Wait for it...

Kapow! Look at the grin on the cheeky fella! I didn't see where he put Ken's wallet but I suspect it may have gone in his back pocket...

There was a problem, though - I was so giddy with excitement that I did something terrible. You know the song "I left my heart in San Francisco"? ...I left my scissors in Budapest! I imagine Howard has pawned them by now so until I can locate an identical pair, unofficial openings is on hold! Don't worry though - it won't be long before I'm at it again so check back soon for more Unofficial Openings!

Another Foreign opening - Gelächter in Österreich!

Guten Tag unofficial openers! Well what a week it's been! Not one, but two openings in not one but two different countries in not one but two different central European capital cities! You'll be telling me next that they were both esoteric! They were!

Last Tuesday saw me arriving at Cafe Jose Feliciano in downtown Vienna to perform at their first ever regular comedy night and I was so excited! Not only was I going to be headlining the gig but I was also going to be meeting my adoptive Austrian daughters, Sabi and Miri...

Here I am with Sabi and Miri. I first met them in 2008 at a music festival in Spain. Little did they know that three and a half years later I would be putting them to work, scissor fans!

...Well! with typical Austrian efficiency they were right on time, we got stuck into some Zipfer beer (When in Austria and all that) and before I knew it Dan Thomas had taken to the stage and was making everybody giggle...

Here's Dan, pre-show with some of the audience. He looks ecstatic -  Of course he was - he was but minutes away from an esoteric unofficial opening!

The interval came and went and my scissor fingers were fair old trembling as I took to the stage. I made sure I warmed up the crowd a bit before unleashing this particular opening, it being a little controversial, to say the least. Austria is not known for being full of chuckles and has a reputation for austerity, fascism and, well,  a certain stuffiness - but that all changed at The Baby Blue Banana comedy club as with the help of my Austrian babies, I unofficially opened...

Look how happy we all are! Of course we're happy! We're in Austria!

...Laughter!

Yes, that's right, you snip-happy lunatics! Laughter! Never again shall Austria miss out on this most fantastic demonstration of happiness! I'm here to bring joy, unofficial openers - I'm here to bring joy! Sadly none of Austria's famous faces could make it down for one reason or another so I had no opportunity to bump into Adolf Hitler, Johan Strauss II or Hans Krankl but there was a famous Austrian pop singer there, whose name escapes me. Oh well! Make sure you check back here soon for the second leg of my Central European Esoteric Unofficial Opening Opus!

Legs Eleven!

Greetings, unofficial openers! Our latest opening was a numerical nightmare to sort out and it only happened in the nick of time! Now I'm not one for waking up early so when the eleventh of November 2011 came about I knew there was no way I would have my scissors ready for 11.11am (And eleven seconds) so I figured I would instead wait until 11.11pm (And eleven seconds) on the eleventh day of the eleventh month of the eleventh year to get me some opening, unofficial-style.

To do this properly I would obviously need eleven people but I thought to myself that I'd got all day and it should have been easy to work out. I could then easily be at The Victoria pub (My favourite opening destination) to unofficially open a time. with a good twelve hours to sort it all out.

Wrong!

Well the day just flew by and I hardly had time to pack my ribbon before I was on my way to my monthly comedy show in Hitchin. The brilliant Matthew Hardy was on the bill and wouldn't you know it? The gig ran late and I only had (of course) eleven minutes to get to the pub!

The very funny Matthew Hardy - I had to put the camera on "zoom" to get this shot of him on stage at my comedy club...

I took huge loping strides along with a couple of snip happy compadrés, barged into said boozer and yelled "I need eleven people in the car park - NOW! Did I get them? YES! Did they know why they'd been dragged out into the cold? NOT REALLY.

Oops! Somebody's left his camera on the "zoom" setting and now we can't see everybody...

Minor consternation ensued when the cameraman explained that he had taken a close up shot and a couple of stragglers had to be reassembled. It also had run on to 11.12pm but hey - let's face it. Unofficial Opening is all about opening things that are already open so what better thing to do than be a minute late! Camera settings altered and gang reconstituted I was finally able to say that 11.11pm (and eleven seconds) on the eleventh day of the eleventh month in the year 2011 was unofficially.... OPEN!

I know what you're thinking - there are only nine people in this picture! That's because one of them was very short and is completely obscured by my apparently massive frame (!) and the other one... was taking the picture of course!

Sadly of the eleven assembled we did not include any of Hitchin's many Glitterati so I am sorry to report that we didn't have Arvind Parmar, Ben Hull, Kevin Phillips, King Offa or Pam Rhodes in attendance. I imagine they were all off playing tennis, acting, scoring goals, being a dead former king of Mercia or hosting Songs Of Praise respectively. Lastly, I have just realised that this is actually opening number 22, which as I'm sure you giddy ribboners will know, is exactly divisible by eleven! Oh I'm no stranger to Mister maths, my friends, no stranger at all. Make sure you check back here soon for more Unofficial Opening!

21 Today! - An unofficial opening of something before it's open!

According to the band "Serious Drinking", the revolution starts at closing time. No way! Not for us ribbon junkies it doesn't! The revolution starts right here - at opening time!

...And what an opening we did today! I realise that conceptually it's important to keep these major events as fresh and cutting edge as possible, so when my friend Maria asked me if I would unofficially open her Tranquil Therapy Reflexology And Reiki Swedish Massage Salon the day before it was officially opened, I fair old skipped round there, scissors at the ready! It wasn't long before we'd persuaded her (very funny) daughter Sofia to get involved (She didn't take a lot of persuading) and requisitioned her neighbour, Ron, to be on unofficial camera duty. I did try to explain to Ron what we were doing but I don't think he really had unofficial opening in his blood and eventually I gave up and we agreed he'd just take the pictures. So off we went!

Here are Maria and Sofia. Maria is the brains (and hands) behind "Tranquil". She is pictured to the right, should there be any confusion. I have no doubt that Sofia  will one day be a successful small business woman, but currently she is seven years old and needs regular breaks.

The two most difficult things were getting the angle right so we were all in the photograph (Ron's job) and getting my shoe and sock off, openers - I'm not as young as I used to be. Tasks taken care of, I didn't take much cajoling onto that oh-so-comfy massage table, scissor lovers, and with a mighty roar, the Tranquil Therapy Reflexology And Reiki Swedish Massage Parlour was unofficially...

Good shot, Ron! Please notice foot raised aloft for comedy effect. Do you like what I've done there, unofficial openers?

...OPEN! Sadly local Letchworth dignitaries Michael Winner (hates the place) and George Orwell (Dead) were unable to attend this most auspicious and unique of occasions, but I'm sure they were there with us in spirit. What am I saying "unique" for? They're ALL unique, ribbon freaks!

Footnote - lots of our ribbon holders have requested to keep the ribbon so they can do something imaginative with it, such as make quality headgear but this time round Sofia was very creative and mum Maria thought it was so good, she'd copy her (Mums, eh? Are they ever original?)

Fu Man Chu and you and you and...

Check back soon for more unofficial opening and don't forget - keep your eyes peeled, your ribbon tight and your scissors sharp - I could be unofficially opening something near you at any moment!


For more information: Tranquil Therapy , Holistic & Beauty treatments for relaxation, well being and restoring positive energy. Mariaprezio@btinternet.com

Opening 20 - Happy Birthday, Dad!

Seeing as the last opening I did was an entire nation, I decided that I needed to downsize a little in scale, if not in importance, scissor fans! Unofficial opening isn't all about the biggest and the greatest, it's sometimes about the situation and the circumstance. Hence, as a special treat for my Dad's birthday in our local "Harvester" restaurant, I thought I'd bring the old scissors and ribbon along for a little bit of unofficial opening, birthday style!

Well! Obviously the entire contingent could barely contain their excitement for the salad bar so I had to wait until we'd got healthy course number one down our sockets before I whipped out my camera and opening accoutrements and what a response! This was very much an all-male affair although my mum did take the photo. Sister-in-law Jane, niece Olivia (and her friend Charlotte) were all a little camera-shy but hey - that's their prerogative, unofficial openers!

Ahhh - what a happy family scene. (Clockwise from front) There's me, nephew Louis, brother Tim, dad Barry (The birthday boy - sixty two years young!) and nephew Matthew - all grinning with pride and rightly so - this was also our twentieth opening and the only thing better than the event itself was the ribs - mmmmm.... tasty!

Now I also give my holders the opportunity to keep the ribbon and my two nephews, Louis and Matthew were both very keen to retain hold of their halves of this most essential ingredient for any quality opening. I've had occasional interest in people adapting their ribbon as a top-notch clothing item and Check out opening five for a previous example of this but Matthew, unprompted, turned himself into a pocket-sized Kung Fu fighter without so much as a by your leave, you snip-happy hombres!

Matthew demonstrates an excellent use of discarded ribbon and doesn't he look a tinker!

Bruce Lee or Jackie Chan weren't around but I've got a feeling I may have bumped into Chuck Norris on my way to the gents but I couldn't be sure so best not dwell on that! Check back here whenever you can for more quality unofficial opening and remember, when it comes to scissory shenanigans, it's not the size of the opening that matters - it's the quality! 

Opening N N N N Nineteen and it's N N N N National!

Och Aye The Noo Unofficial Openers! My journey home from Scotland took a lot longer than I was expecting because I kept stopping at places with silly names for fun and games and obviously for some potential openings. Sadly, most of the places weren't as much fun as their names suggested and by the time I got to the border my scissor fingers were fair old itching to snip some ribbon in almost any circumstances.

The bizarrely named Crook Of Devon. I could find no information about this little place, what it's doing in Scotland I don't know and sadly there was no-one about. Hence my look of disgust -  I can't very well unofficially open something by myself, can I?

But what was I to do? I stopped off at the viewing point where our two nations collide because I had espied a burger van and, well, if I couldn't get an unofficial opening in before I left Caledonia, I was at least going to have a cheeseburger!

As I got out of the car I saw a group of lads clowning around by the border stone and offered to take a photo of all of them. They were made up that they could all get in the picture (They had been arguing about who would take the shot of the rest of them doing the clowning) and then - POW - it hit me! This was an opportunity that I was unlikely to get again. I got a cold sweat, I shook with trepidation and as they stared at me in disbelief I cried out "You could be ribbon holders! You could take the photo! It's opening time!"

Look at the genuine joy on the faces of these rapscallions! It's not every day you get to unofficially open an entire country!

Seconds later, there I was, scissors in hand, the ribbon was cut and I declared England unofficially... OPEN!

There wasn't a Roman in sight, I didn't hear a single Northumbrian pipe and I had failed to arrange for The Proclaimers and Lindisfarne to affect a Mexican stand off, but it was still emotional. Shortly after this the batteries on my camera died which was a shame - because I'd had another brilliant idea to unofficially close  Scotland on the way out. Never mind - they took the photo themselves! sadly, I'm still waiting for it but should it show up ever, I'll be sure to add it to this blog. Check back soon for more unofficial opening, ribbon fiends!