Opening 18 (just): Marsbarstewards harboring a terrible secret!

Hi there unofficial openers! Here's a bit of controversy for you! The day after I finished my run at The Edinburgh Fringe Festival 2011 I continued my Scottish Iliad in a Northerly vector as I travelled up to the ancient and historic town of Stonehaven on the Caledonian North East coast to compere a gig that featured Gary Delaney, Wayne The Weird and the quite ridiculous Trevor Lock. As I drove into the town I was welcomed with the following sign

Home of the pneumatic tyre? Hmm...

Well! I had no idea! As I continued into the town I also saw THIS!

...Makes sense now!

Famous for two things? The spare tyre and the deep fried mars bar - I can't help thinking the two are connected...

With no time to track down the birthplace of R.W. Thomson and possessing a particularly itchy scissor finger, I decided I simply had to unofficially open The Carron Fish Bar! But Oh woe! When I approached them I was DOWN RIGHT FLAT REFUSED to go anywhere near the place, ribbon fans. I asked for the manager who was busy upstairs and wouldn't even listen to my enquiry. I pondered this - why wouldn't they want a bit of free publicity? what could they possibly be hiding? They couldn't stop me taking a photo of myself though, looking thoroughly glum and bewildered...

As luck would have it, I managed to get the photo without the "M" for "Mars". Quite fitting, with hindsight.

...I don't give up that easily though and with the ribbon already cut I was going to have to unofficially open something and hit upon the idea of going down to the harbour. Parked up and with my mood already lifting I hit a double jackpot - not only is the little bay beautiful and steeped in history...

Stonehaven Harbour - an unlikely place for a meeting of minds but hey - that's Unofficial Opening for you!

...It was also being visited by a certain Ben and Heather. She set up the "UK Skeptics" group in Aberdeen and he had a very interesting angle on conspiracy theory. I told them of my deep-fried mars bar-related plight and without batting a skeptical eyelid he deduced that "Maybe The Carron Fish Bar is NOT really the birthplace of the deep fried mars bar". OF COURSE! They're living a lie, scissor people, THEY'RE LIVING A LIE. Anyway, all things considered, it seemed only right that they helped restore balance to the cosmos and thank goodness they did because their inspiration led me (later in the day) to perhaps my most esoteric opening yet. For now, though - let's consider Stonehaven Harbour officially...

Ben and Heather - ribbon holders of fine repute and cunning deduction

...OPEN! Come back soon for some more unofficial opening - and spread the word - That way, you never know, I could be in your town soon, cheekily sorting out a little bit of UNOFFICIAL OPENING!

Opening 17 - A big hill or not a big hill? That is the question!

Greetings unofficial openers! Seeing as I'm up here at The Edinburgh Fringe Festival it would have seemed sensible to get myself up Arthur's Seat and do a bit of unofficial opening al fresco, particularly as it dominates the scenery to the South and East of the city. It's perhaps the city's most famous landmark, surrounded as it is, in Holyrood Park about a mile from the castle. My problem, of course, is that I'm too lazy!

This is Arthur's Seat, as viewed from Edinburgh Castle. Apparently the easiest access is from its East side. I certainly couldn't be bothered to find out.

Seeing as there was absolutely no way I was ever going to climb it I was going to need an alternative. When I set myself an opening challenge, it has to be seen through. What I needed was an alternative Arthur's Seat. My first instinct was to look for a Seat Alhambra owned by anybody called Arthur and simply stand there and open it as he got out of the car.

Could this be Arthur's Seat?

This was also problematic as I didn't have the patience to ring everyone called Arthur in the Edinburgh area or indeed approach the Seat dealerships and ask them if they had sold their quality (and reasonably priced) people carriers to any men called Arthur.. What was I to do? it was such a quandary - but then, eureka! I hit on the rather ambitious idea of contacting Edinburgh's second most famous Arthur... Arthur Smith!

Comedy's favourite grump

Arthur can truly be called an Edinburgh legend. Surely he sits down sometimes and if he does, he's sitting on Arthur's seat. All I had to do was track him down. My flatmate Susan had appeared at his live gig "Arthur Smith's Pi**ed Up Chat Show" in The Pleasance Dome and said I should contact him. I didn't have an email address or a phone number and he could possibly have been a little tricky to actually find. After a couple of days of fruitless Smithsearching I gave up, went to the Loft Bar and got drunk. Fortunately, he'd had the same idea, we talked briefly and two nights later, there I was, unofficially opening the chair he was sat on!

Arthur Smith (Centre back), his sidekick, Derek (Really called Phil and who I played poker with the night before) to his right, one of the show's assistants to Arthur's left and yours truly, scissors in one hand, mic in the other to the front. I realise it looks a bit like I'm holding them to his throat, but that's just perspective, honest.

I also got to meet Cornelius Lysaght (who was one of the other guests) who is a thoroughly nice chap. Check back here for more quality unofficial opening soon and spread the word about this blog! Let's go unofficial opening crazy!

Openings 15 & 16 - Caves and kids!

Well it wouldn't be right that I'd come all the way to The Edinburgh Festival and not brought my scissors, now would it! Trust me to only have a limited supply of ribbon though - Doh! Anyway, in true Unofficial Openings style, I didn't open my own show the first day I was there in Auld Reekie. I opened it, of course, on the second. I also didn't even do it at the start of the show, but about fifteen minutes in. Thanks to these lovely ladies for this little beauty

The Unofficial Opening of "Tweeting Beauty", the comedy show I am performing at Edinburgh's most haunted pub, The Banshee Labyrinth. I am not actually as fat as I appear in the photo. I was at a funny angle. YES I WAS.

Sadly Gordon Brown couldn't make it down there and I imagine The Proclaimers were probably off yodelling their way around Lithuania or something. It wasn't enough for me though. The thing about The Fringe Festival is that it's utterly frantic and you get asked to do more and more things so scissors in hand, I went off to do a Kid's show the next day and BAM! My first pre-teen unofficial opening. This photo published with permission from the parents. We don't want getting in any trouble on here, Unofficial Openers!

One of the dads in the room took the photo and I think he did a great job! This was at Mike Belgrave and Nick Coppin's "Huggers" show. A great fun blend of comedy and madness for grown ups and kids alike - a bit like Unofficial Openings, then! My thanks to Ria Lina for lending me her kid as well. Oh and yes - the photo does indeed prove that I'm not as fat as I look in the previous one so nerr. I AM NOT FAT

Make sure to check back here regularly for more Unofficial Openings! Right, I need to get more ribbon - I'm fresh out of it!