Legs Eleven!

Greetings, unofficial openers! Our latest opening was a numerical nightmare to sort out and it only happened in the nick of time! Now I'm not one for waking up early so when the eleventh of November 2011 came about I knew there was no way I would have my scissors ready for 11.11am (And eleven seconds) so I figured I would instead wait until 11.11pm (And eleven seconds) on the eleventh day of the eleventh month of the eleventh year to get me some opening, unofficial-style.

To do this properly I would obviously need eleven people but I thought to myself that I'd got all day and it should have been easy to work out. I could then easily be at The Victoria pub (My favourite opening destination) to unofficially open a time. with a good twelve hours to sort it all out.

Wrong!

Well the day just flew by and I hardly had time to pack my ribbon before I was on my way to my monthly comedy show in Hitchin. The brilliant Matthew Hardy was on the bill and wouldn't you know it? The gig ran late and I only had (of course) eleven minutes to get to the pub!

The very funny Matthew Hardy - I had to put the camera on "zoom" to get this shot of him on stage at my comedy club...

I took huge loping strides along with a couple of snip happy compadrés, barged into said boozer and yelled "I need eleven people in the car park - NOW! Did I get them? YES! Did they know why they'd been dragged out into the cold? NOT REALLY.

Oops! Somebody's left his camera on the "zoom" setting and now we can't see everybody...

Minor consternation ensued when the cameraman explained that he had taken a close up shot and a couple of stragglers had to be reassembled. It also had run on to 11.12pm but hey - let's face it. Unofficial Opening is all about opening things that are already open so what better thing to do than be a minute late! Camera settings altered and gang reconstituted I was finally able to say that 11.11pm (and eleven seconds) on the eleventh day of the eleventh month in the year 2011 was unofficially.... OPEN!

I know what you're thinking - there are only nine people in this picture! That's because one of them was very short and is completely obscured by my apparently massive frame (!) and the other one... was taking the picture of course!

Sadly of the eleven assembled we did not include any of Hitchin's many Glitterati so I am sorry to report that we didn't have Arvind Parmar, Ben Hull, Kevin Phillips, King Offa or Pam Rhodes in attendance. I imagine they were all off playing tennis, acting, scoring goals, being a dead former king of Mercia or hosting Songs Of Praise respectively. Lastly, I have just realised that this is actually opening number 22, which as I'm sure you giddy ribboners will know, is exactly divisible by eleven! Oh I'm no stranger to Mister maths, my friends, no stranger at all. Make sure you check back here soon for more Unofficial Opening!

21 Today! - An unofficial opening of something before it's open!

According to the band "Serious Drinking", the revolution starts at closing time. No way! Not for us ribbon junkies it doesn't! The revolution starts right here - at opening time!

...And what an opening we did today! I realise that conceptually it's important to keep these major events as fresh and cutting edge as possible, so when my friend Maria asked me if I would unofficially open her Tranquil Therapy Reflexology And Reiki Swedish Massage Salon the day before it was officially opened, I fair old skipped round there, scissors at the ready! It wasn't long before we'd persuaded her (very funny) daughter Sofia to get involved (She didn't take a lot of persuading) and requisitioned her neighbour, Ron, to be on unofficial camera duty. I did try to explain to Ron what we were doing but I don't think he really had unofficial opening in his blood and eventually I gave up and we agreed he'd just take the pictures. So off we went!

Here are Maria and Sofia. Maria is the brains (and hands) behind "Tranquil". She is pictured to the right, should there be any confusion. I have no doubt that Sofia  will one day be a successful small business woman, but currently she is seven years old and needs regular breaks.

The two most difficult things were getting the angle right so we were all in the photograph (Ron's job) and getting my shoe and sock off, openers - I'm not as young as I used to be. Tasks taken care of, I didn't take much cajoling onto that oh-so-comfy massage table, scissor lovers, and with a mighty roar, the Tranquil Therapy Reflexology And Reiki Swedish Massage Parlour was unofficially...

Good shot, Ron! Please notice foot raised aloft for comedy effect. Do you like what I've done there, unofficial openers?

...OPEN! Sadly local Letchworth dignitaries Michael Winner (hates the place) and George Orwell (Dead) were unable to attend this most auspicious and unique of occasions, but I'm sure they were there with us in spirit. What am I saying "unique" for? They're ALL unique, ribbon freaks!

Footnote - lots of our ribbon holders have requested to keep the ribbon so they can do something imaginative with it, such as make quality headgear but this time round Sofia was very creative and mum Maria thought it was so good, she'd copy her (Mums, eh? Are they ever original?)

Fu Man Chu and you and you and...

Check back soon for more unofficial opening and don't forget - keep your eyes peeled, your ribbon tight and your scissors sharp - I could be unofficially opening something near you at any moment!


For more information: Tranquil Therapy , Holistic & Beauty treatments for relaxation, well being and restoring positive energy. Mariaprezio@btinternet.com

Opening 20 - Happy Birthday, Dad!

Seeing as the last opening I did was an entire nation, I decided that I needed to downsize a little in scale, if not in importance, scissor fans! Unofficial opening isn't all about the biggest and the greatest, it's sometimes about the situation and the circumstance. Hence, as a special treat for my Dad's birthday in our local "Harvester" restaurant, I thought I'd bring the old scissors and ribbon along for a little bit of unofficial opening, birthday style!

Well! Obviously the entire contingent could barely contain their excitement for the salad bar so I had to wait until we'd got healthy course number one down our sockets before I whipped out my camera and opening accoutrements and what a response! This was very much an all-male affair although my mum did take the photo. Sister-in-law Jane, niece Olivia (and her friend Charlotte) were all a little camera-shy but hey - that's their prerogative, unofficial openers!

Ahhh - what a happy family scene. (Clockwise from front) There's me, nephew Louis, brother Tim, dad Barry (The birthday boy - sixty two years young!) and nephew Matthew - all grinning with pride and rightly so - this was also our twentieth opening and the only thing better than the event itself was the ribs - mmmmm.... tasty!

Now I also give my holders the opportunity to keep the ribbon and my two nephews, Louis and Matthew were both very keen to retain hold of their halves of this most essential ingredient for any quality opening. I've had occasional interest in people adapting their ribbon as a top-notch clothing item and Check out opening five for a previous example of this but Matthew, unprompted, turned himself into a pocket-sized Kung Fu fighter without so much as a by your leave, you snip-happy hombres!

Matthew demonstrates an excellent use of discarded ribbon and doesn't he look a tinker!

Bruce Lee or Jackie Chan weren't around but I've got a feeling I may have bumped into Chuck Norris on my way to the gents but I couldn't be sure so best not dwell on that! Check back here whenever you can for more quality unofficial opening and remember, when it comes to scissory shenanigans, it's not the size of the opening that matters - it's the quality! 

Opening N N N N Nineteen and it's N N N N National!

Och Aye The Noo Unofficial Openers! My journey home from Scotland took a lot longer than I was expecting because I kept stopping at places with silly names for fun and games and obviously for some potential openings. Sadly, most of the places weren't as much fun as their names suggested and by the time I got to the border my scissor fingers were fair old itching to snip some ribbon in almost any circumstances.

The bizarrely named Crook Of Devon. I could find no information about this little place, what it's doing in Scotland I don't know and sadly there was no-one about. Hence my look of disgust -  I can't very well unofficially open something by myself, can I?

But what was I to do? I stopped off at the viewing point where our two nations collide because I had espied a burger van and, well, if I couldn't get an unofficial opening in before I left Caledonia, I was at least going to have a cheeseburger!

As I got out of the car I saw a group of lads clowning around by the border stone and offered to take a photo of all of them. They were made up that they could all get in the picture (They had been arguing about who would take the shot of the rest of them doing the clowning) and then - POW - it hit me! This was an opportunity that I was unlikely to get again. I got a cold sweat, I shook with trepidation and as they stared at me in disbelief I cried out "You could be ribbon holders! You could take the photo! It's opening time!"

Look at the genuine joy on the faces of these rapscallions! It's not every day you get to unofficially open an entire country!

Seconds later, there I was, scissors in hand, the ribbon was cut and I declared England unofficially... OPEN!

There wasn't a Roman in sight, I didn't hear a single Northumbrian pipe and I had failed to arrange for The Proclaimers and Lindisfarne to affect a Mexican stand off, but it was still emotional. Shortly after this the batteries on my camera died which was a shame - because I'd had another brilliant idea to unofficially close  Scotland on the way out. Never mind - they took the photo themselves! sadly, I'm still waiting for it but should it show up ever, I'll be sure to add it to this blog. Check back soon for more unofficial opening, ribbon fiends!

Opening 18 (just): Marsbarstewards harboring a terrible secret!

Hi there unofficial openers! Here's a bit of controversy for you! The day after I finished my run at The Edinburgh Fringe Festival 2011 I continued my Scottish Iliad in a Northerly vector as I travelled up to the ancient and historic town of Stonehaven on the Caledonian North East coast to compere a gig that featured Gary Delaney, Wayne The Weird and the quite ridiculous Trevor Lock. As I drove into the town I was welcomed with the following sign

Home of the pneumatic tyre? Hmm...

Well! I had no idea! As I continued into the town I also saw THIS!

...Makes sense now!

Famous for two things? The spare tyre and the deep fried mars bar - I can't help thinking the two are connected...

With no time to track down the birthplace of R.W. Thomson and possessing a particularly itchy scissor finger, I decided I simply had to unofficially open The Carron Fish Bar! But Oh woe! When I approached them I was DOWN RIGHT FLAT REFUSED to go anywhere near the place, ribbon fans. I asked for the manager who was busy upstairs and wouldn't even listen to my enquiry. I pondered this - why wouldn't they want a bit of free publicity? what could they possibly be hiding? They couldn't stop me taking a photo of myself though, looking thoroughly glum and bewildered...

As luck would have it, I managed to get the photo without the "M" for "Mars". Quite fitting, with hindsight.

...I don't give up that easily though and with the ribbon already cut I was going to have to unofficially open something and hit upon the idea of going down to the harbour. Parked up and with my mood already lifting I hit a double jackpot - not only is the little bay beautiful and steeped in history...

Stonehaven Harbour - an unlikely place for a meeting of minds but hey - that's Unofficial Opening for you!

...It was also being visited by a certain Ben and Heather. She set up the "UK Skeptics" group in Aberdeen and he had a very interesting angle on conspiracy theory. I told them of my deep-fried mars bar-related plight and without batting a skeptical eyelid he deduced that "Maybe The Carron Fish Bar is NOT really the birthplace of the deep fried mars bar". OF COURSE! They're living a lie, scissor people, THEY'RE LIVING A LIE. Anyway, all things considered, it seemed only right that they helped restore balance to the cosmos and thank goodness they did because their inspiration led me (later in the day) to perhaps my most esoteric opening yet. For now, though - let's consider Stonehaven Harbour officially...

Ben and Heather - ribbon holders of fine repute and cunning deduction

...OPEN! Come back soon for some more unofficial opening - and spread the word - That way, you never know, I could be in your town soon, cheekily sorting out a little bit of UNOFFICIAL OPENING!

Opening 17 - A big hill or not a big hill? That is the question!

Greetings unofficial openers! Seeing as I'm up here at The Edinburgh Fringe Festival it would have seemed sensible to get myself up Arthur's Seat and do a bit of unofficial opening al fresco, particularly as it dominates the scenery to the South and East of the city. It's perhaps the city's most famous landmark, surrounded as it is, in Holyrood Park about a mile from the castle. My problem, of course, is that I'm too lazy!

This is Arthur's Seat, as viewed from Edinburgh Castle. Apparently the easiest access is from its East side. I certainly couldn't be bothered to find out.

Seeing as there was absolutely no way I was ever going to climb it I was going to need an alternative. When I set myself an opening challenge, it has to be seen through. What I needed was an alternative Arthur's Seat. My first instinct was to look for a Seat Alhambra owned by anybody called Arthur and simply stand there and open it as he got out of the car.

Could this be Arthur's Seat?

This was also problematic as I didn't have the patience to ring everyone called Arthur in the Edinburgh area or indeed approach the Seat dealerships and ask them if they had sold their quality (and reasonably priced) people carriers to any men called Arthur.. What was I to do? it was such a quandary - but then, eureka! I hit on the rather ambitious idea of contacting Edinburgh's second most famous Arthur... Arthur Smith!

Comedy's favourite grump

Arthur can truly be called an Edinburgh legend. Surely he sits down sometimes and if he does, he's sitting on Arthur's seat. All I had to do was track him down. My flatmate Susan had appeared at his live gig "Arthur Smith's Pi**ed Up Chat Show" in The Pleasance Dome and said I should contact him. I didn't have an email address or a phone number and he could possibly have been a little tricky to actually find. After a couple of days of fruitless Smithsearching I gave up, went to the Loft Bar and got drunk. Fortunately, he'd had the same idea, we talked briefly and two nights later, there I was, unofficially opening the chair he was sat on!

Arthur Smith (Centre back), his sidekick, Derek (Really called Phil and who I played poker with the night before) to his right, one of the show's assistants to Arthur's left and yours truly, scissors in one hand, mic in the other to the front. I realise it looks a bit like I'm holding them to his throat, but that's just perspective, honest.

I also got to meet Cornelius Lysaght (who was one of the other guests) who is a thoroughly nice chap. Check back here for more quality unofficial opening soon and spread the word about this blog! Let's go unofficial opening crazy!

Openings 15 & 16 - Caves and kids!

Well it wouldn't be right that I'd come all the way to The Edinburgh Festival and not brought my scissors, now would it! Trust me to only have a limited supply of ribbon though - Doh! Anyway, in true Unofficial Openings style, I didn't open my own show the first day I was there in Auld Reekie. I opened it, of course, on the second. I also didn't even do it at the start of the show, but about fifteen minutes in. Thanks to these lovely ladies for this little beauty

The Unofficial Opening of "Tweeting Beauty", the comedy show I am performing at Edinburgh's most haunted pub, The Banshee Labyrinth. I am not actually as fat as I appear in the photo. I was at a funny angle. YES I WAS.

Sadly Gordon Brown couldn't make it down there and I imagine The Proclaimers were probably off yodelling their way around Lithuania or something. It wasn't enough for me though. The thing about The Fringe Festival is that it's utterly frantic and you get asked to do more and more things so scissors in hand, I went off to do a Kid's show the next day and BAM! My first pre-teen unofficial opening. This photo published with permission from the parents. We don't want getting in any trouble on here, Unofficial Openers!

One of the dads in the room took the photo and I think he did a great job! This was at Mike Belgrave and Nick Coppin's "Huggers" show. A great fun blend of comedy and madness for grown ups and kids alike - a bit like Unofficial Openings, then! My thanks to Ria Lina for lending me her kid as well. Oh and yes - the photo does indeed prove that I'm not as fat as I look in the previous one so nerr. I AM NOT FAT

Make sure to check back here regularly for more Unofficial Openings! Right, I need to get more ribbon - I'm fresh out of it!