It's an Olympic double-whammy! (But only just!)

The London Olympics officially open in a few of days, but a couple of weeks ago I stole a bit of a march on them on a rather wet Sunday in Letchworth, scissor fans!

The Olympic Torch has been carried around the British Isles for at least a month and its overdue appearance in my current place of residence was met with baited breath. I fair old skipped to the bottom of Station Road to meet up with my mate Sam and his kids and as we waited for the various sponsors trucks to pass we were spied from across the road by opening-fan Sarah who was tickled pink later that day when she emailed me this little photo with the title "is it opening time?"

Here's Sam holding the brolly, Jake and Sofia holding the ribbon. Yours Truly looks on  like the ribbon king he is! This kind of guerilla-style photography has not been seen since the very first opening, snippy monkeys!

It certainly was! Before we had time to shout "Modern pentathlon" the police bikes had passed and there he was! the torch bearer! Well it was a close-run thing but we just about unofficially opened him - and in the nick of time, you Olympic snippers!

A very tricky opening to orchestrate but we got it! Or did we?

Disaster! Sam was so excited about getting the ribbon in he forgot the Olympic Flame itself! The spirit of fair play and good sportsmanship didn't quite make it into the photo! Curses! But hang on maybe the spirit of Olympus flows through us all! I was struck by a cunning plan! I remembered the lines of people on the streets on my way to Station Road and if I wasn't mistaken - the torch was going to go up into town, pass the cinema, double back on itself, head down Gernon road and, and...

...Go down my street! Well we would certainly have broken the four minute mile if we'd kept up that run back to where I'd come from and at one point I thought the kids might fall off the pace. They kept up (with a bit of help from Sam) and before we knew it, POW! There was the torch again, this time being carried rather more sedately, if truth be told...

If you head up the left hand side of the lamp post to the right of the picture you can just see the flame!

See? here it is in close up! And there's Sam's daughter Sofia taking everything VERY seriously indeed!

We thus managed to unofficially open the Olympic torch not once, but twice! Is that a new Olympic Unofficial Opening Record? It is as far as I'm concerned! If the Team GB perform as well as we did, the gold medals are in the bag! Sadly I didn't see Roger Bannister, Sir Steve Redgrave, Dame Kelly Holmes or Daley Thompson on the way round but I'm sure they were there in spirit.

Two other things before I leave you, opening fans. When I told my friend Howard what happened he exclaimed "My God! Unofficial Openings are faster than the speed of fire!". We might well be, Howard, we might well be but one thing's for sure - I never miss an opportunity to recreate an iconic situation and today was no exception, because while we were waiting for the Olympic Torch to arrive initially, I procured a bottle of cola, and ceremoniously ran towards Sam and the kids. The photo is caught here for posterity. Check back soon for more Unofficial Opening!

An opening to really get your teeth in to!

Crikey Moseley! It's been a while, opening fans - and I haven't really got any excuses. I've just been a bit bone idle. Anyway the good news is that my snipping wrist is in rude health as a result of the time off and my ribbon is positively itchy! Good job then that the other week my mate Andy invited me up to stay in his hotel in Whitby and wow! What a place! Actually, what a TWO places! First stop was (obviously) fish and chips at his hotel up by the golf course (The White House - no, not that one), then a trip into town to sample some local ales before an early night, scissor monkeys - there was opening to do on the morrow...

Whitby golf course, as seen from the bench my fish and chips were on

 ...And what an opening? First I had to take in the view from my room in his (other) hotel, The Resolution.

The view of the abbey from my hotel window. That looks like a bit of a climb...

Another stunner, this time of Whitby's mysterious abbey. Well I was a bit concerned - this was Dracula country after all. A bigger concern was the 173,682 steps up to it. Andy sprinted up like the clean-living tigger he is. I lagged behind, catching my breath and periodically rubbing my calves. Well, I'm not getting any younger. Mind you, I'm younger than the lovely old folk we found at the top (I don't know how old people make it up there. I'm sure not as many come down) and to be honest they were reluctant to get involved, but we eventually cajoled them into holding the ribbon and CHOP CHOP SLASH SLASH history was made, unofficial opening style!

These two ribbon holders didn't want to be named. What was their terrible secret? Were they cheating on their other halves? 

 After that all I had to do was get down the mountain again and avoid the vampires. It wasn't too much of a problem. Christopher Lee and Gary Oldman were nowhere to be seen, The Lost Boys were exactly that and forrtunately I was within the hours of dawn 'til dusk so I was pretty much in the clear.

That Dracula blokes done well for himself - he's even got a gift shop.

There'll be some more snipping antics in the near future, so make sure to check back soon for some more unofficial opening!

It's an Oslopening!

Greetings, scissor fans! Well after the shattering experience in The Grand Canyon I did what any sensible unofficial opener would do and I decamped to Norway! That's right! Norway! The land of the Fjords, midnight sun and of course beer for ten quid a pint. Europe's Northernmost country has always held a fascination and when the opportunity arose to finally go there, I grabbed it with both hands, openers. Now - some of you will know that it's Olympic year and 2012 sees these ancient games return to their spiritual and ancestral home of London. The Greeks may lay claim to them but working on the basis that both God AND Jesus are Obviously English, I think we can fairly safely say The Olympics are as well. Being a generous and peace loving nation, England loans out the Olympics to a different country every four years to help them out (only very occasionally taking it back ourselves for the summer just to check it's all right and give it a polish). The Olympics has a little nephew called "The Winter Olympics" and in 1952 we let him go to Norway on holiday. His opening ceremony was held at the Bislett Stadium. Let's see what the Norwegians think of Bislett, shall we?

Bit harsh, Norwegians. I quite like the place, in fact, I'd go as far as to say I LOVE IT. Particularly when a lovely couple called Anders and Tuna (Well that's what she called herself and I didn't like to pry) sidle past and aren't put off at me approaching them wielding a pair of scissors. It's a good job they were there as well! Henrik Ibsen, Anni-Frid Lyngstad (I know, I thought she was Swedish as well!), Edward Munch and Roald Amundsen were nowhere to be seen!They were more than happy to pull my ribbon taught - and why wouldn't they be? I'd got my favourite ceremonial jacket on and, after all, it's an honour being a part of Unofficial Openings!

The Bislett Olympic stadium. Officially opened in 1952 with a huge celebration. Unofficially opened on its sixtieth anniversary with rather less brouhaha openers, but then nobody likes a show off, do they?. So there we are - I had lovely Linda to take the photo on this occasion (She's far better looking than Steve). All that's left to do is take a look at where they held the 1952 Oslo Childrens Olympics:

Make sure you check back soon and spread the word about Unofficial Openings! If nobody looks at this blog, I might as well just be snipping in the park!

(Oh and hit the above link to vote for me in my one-man war against the neurotic (and borderline alcoholic)harridans of North America).

The ultimate opening? Not quite...

Howdy, cutting buddies!

I've been getting very excited about this unofficial opening for a while now - two years in fact. That's right! I was excited about it a good twelve months before I even thought of Unofficial Openings but it took me a while to pluck up the courage (And save the money) to journey to the greatest wonder in the world and lucky old me because fortunately I wasn't the only one there. But where was I? Well here's a lovely couple called Dean and Trula and I think the backdrop gives it away a little...

The lovely Dean and Trula

Of course it does! I was only readying myself to unofficially open THE GRAND CANYON! But hang on, scissor-lovers, how was I going to get enough ribbon to get across there! Obviously I had to improvise a little for the greatest wonder in the world and so I cued up unofficial photographer (And travelling mate for this trip) Steve, positioned the lovely (and willing) ribbon holders and snips away! It was open!

Hold that camera steady, Steve - this is the big one!

Good lad!

Now that was of course a classic opening at a classic venue - but it was a bit touristy, since it was taken at Mather Point, the official viewing gallery for The Grand Canyon at GC Village itself. I wanted something a little different and Steve's chance meeting with a Hopi Indian called Bernie in a bar called "Porky's" in Flagstaff, Arizona had led to him telling us about THE best place to see The Grand Canyon on the South Rim, namely, Shoshone point. Flagstaff is on Route 66 and I have to admit I was rather hoping I would bump into Chuck Berry, The Rolling Stones, Depeche Mode, The Cramps or any of the other great bands who have crooned so lovingly about America's favourite highway but I was out of luck. Fortunately Bernie was staying focused. When he told us about it we said "ShoshoME where it is then!". He showed us. It's a couple of miles East of the "accepted" viewing point and involves a mile long hike uphill through woods! Well at 7000 feet above sea level I was a little bit concerned about my ability to make the journey, scissor fans, and certainly the gateway to the woods was a bit more than my trusty snippers could handle

I think I would have needed bolt cutters to unofficially open THIS bad boy...

But undeterred, we trekked on and I have to say, it was worth the hike. Here is me at Shoshone Point, absolutely in awe of the natural splendour and beautiful surroundings that I found myself in...

What a great spot! All it needs is a couple of ribbon holders...

...The problem with remote, secret and amazing viewing points is that they tend not to have anyone else there and we had to wait quite a while before fellow canyon gawpers Lindsey and Chantel turned up. When they did we quickly persuaded them to hold onto the ribbon for the ultimate unofficial opening but DISASTER! I'd run out of the bloody stuff, opening chums! Quel Dommage!

Oh woe! I'm devastated! But look at Lindsey and Chantel smiling away - I don't think they realise the gravity of the situation...

Still, you can't have everything in this life and I just had to promise myself that next time I would be better prepared. I know I'm my own worst taskmaster, but it wouldn't be Unofficial Openings if I wasn't. Check back soon, you scissory cavaliers... And tell your friends about Unofficial Openings!



Click the link above to see a load of other blogs, mostly about poor parenting and lipstick.

The first opening of 2012 - and it was a Tyrolean disaster!

A belated Happy New Year, snipping chums! 


Since I lost my scissors in Budapest I've been looking around to try and get a pair exactly the same and when I finally did I ordered them online, but beware, brothers, BEWARE. When they arrived they were a different colour! Never trust the internet! Apparently my beloved 2011 editions had been discontinued and so it's out with the turquoise and in with the... grey. I guess the colour reflects both the state of the nation AND my hair so we'll be using them for the rest of the year to unofficially open a whole host of things that have already been opened!

First up for the annum potentialis and I once again found myself in Austria, this time on a comedy & skiing trip to the fabulous St. Anton. After liaising closely with the tourist office, booking the flights, booking the hotel, getting the posters designed (and printed) and contacting the hotels, pensions and chalets throughout Arlberg I was confident that the three shows I had booked with my fellow comedians Dave Thompson and Christian Schulte-Loh would be a bumper bonanza of comedy and fun.

This is the view from the balcony of our chalet in the nearby village of Pettneu. Ooh! I wonder if that skiing lady is on her way to buy tickets to our show?

Wrong.

Who knows exactly the reasons why but after two very low audiences we really had put our faith in our last show and so it's fair to say I was disappointed when we only got six people in to it. Well there was only one thing for it, ribbonjunkies! I had to get the entire audience on stage, get one of them to take the photograph, get the other comedians to hold the ribbon and unofficially open an empty room.

Here's Dave (left) and Christian (right), tightening that ribbon in a really quite severe fashion. They are both very tall but not quite as massive as they appear - They were on the stage and I was on the floor, honest. I managed to keep smiling, ribbonites, but this one was a push. Nevermind - we snip onwards AND WE SNIP UPWARDS!

This might have been my most depressing opening yet, but I remained scissor-happy and with good reason - the next opening I had planned was going to be a beauty. In other words, keep the faith, opening monkeys! greatness awaits! Tell everyone about unofficial openings! Tell them now!




...And check the above link out for some other great blogs, mostly written by American women. Once a month they get a bit angry but they don't know why.

Opening 24 - A Hungarian Pay Off!

Hello there, opening fans! Hot on the heels of me unofficially opening "laughter" in Austria I found myself but a day later in Budapest, scissors primed for another esoteric unofficial opening. Now what could possibly follow something as mind-blowing as unofficially opening jollity in one of Europe's finest (And sternest) capital cities? I needed something special and it showed up in the shape of the area's foremost promoter, Howard Cohen...

Here's me with Howard, shortly before I went on stage at Smiley's comedy club, Budapest - and don't we look smiley!

Howard had enjoyed the previous night's opening so much he fair old begged me to come up with something to unofficially open in Hungary that hadn't been opened in a very long time indeed - something special, something that would bring the nation together, something that could make everyone sit up and smile. I thought long and hard about what I could possibly open that could do this and then I thought to myself - hang on a minute! This guy is notorious for never putting his hand in his pocket! There's only one thing for it! Let's unofficially open...

His wallet!

Well, ribbonites, I had a problem because guess what? He hadn't even brought his wallet out with him! Why would he? He's only the guy responsible for paying the acts on the night, he's only the front man for The Baby Blue Banana comedy empire! He's only got the tram down to the gig with us so he can have a drink as well. Obviously, the drinks must be free for him, because HE HASN'T GOT ANY MONEY AT ALL so why would he need a wallet?

This was an unofficial opening though - and an esoteric one at that, so I wasn't going to let a little thing like a lack of a wallet stop me, no sir! I had a brainwave - Howard has a new business partner and any business partner of Howard's is going to need his wallet on him at all times! Enter Ken! Ken is the latest in a long line of people who Howard is going to end up owing money to so he might as well get used to getting his wallet out on Mr. Cohen's behalf! Photographer procured, Howard positioned, ribbon holders co-opted and it was time for quite simply the funniest opening I've ever done! The entire audience were in stitches - it turns out Howard Cohen owes half of them money too! Is there anyone this man doesn't owe money to? Mexico? Northern Rock? Did Greece lend him a tenner? Who knows? All I know is that we can now declare Howard Cohen's wallet unofficially... open! Unfortunately Bela Bartok and Erno Rubik couldn't make it. The former had a great excuse - he's deceased. The latter (I imagine) was probably trying to work out the latest fiendish puzzle to come out of Hungary - how does anybody get any money out of Howard Cohen?

Wait for it, Hungarian cameraman! Wait for it...

Kapow! Look at the grin on the cheeky fella! I didn't see where he put Ken's wallet but I suspect it may have gone in his back pocket...

There was a problem, though - I was so giddy with excitement that I did something terrible. You know the song "I left my heart in San Francisco"? ...I left my scissors in Budapest! I imagine Howard has pawned them by now so until I can locate an identical pair, unofficial openings is on hold! Don't worry though - it won't be long before I'm at it again so check back soon for more Unofficial Openings!

Another Foreign opening - Gelächter in Österreich!

Guten Tag unofficial openers! Well what a week it's been! Not one, but two openings in not one but two different countries in not one but two different central European capital cities! You'll be telling me next that they were both esoteric! They were!

Last Tuesday saw me arriving at Cafe Jose Feliciano in downtown Vienna to perform at their first ever regular comedy night and I was so excited! Not only was I going to be headlining the gig but I was also going to be meeting my adoptive Austrian daughters, Sabi and Miri...

Here I am with Sabi and Miri. I first met them in 2008 at a music festival in Spain. Little did they know that three and a half years later I would be putting them to work, scissor fans!

...Well! with typical Austrian efficiency they were right on time, we got stuck into some Zipfer beer (When in Austria and all that) and before I knew it Dan Thomas had taken to the stage and was making everybody giggle...

Here's Dan, pre-show with some of the audience. He looks ecstatic -  Of course he was - he was but minutes away from an esoteric unofficial opening!

The interval came and went and my scissor fingers were fair old trembling as I took to the stage. I made sure I warmed up the crowd a bit before unleashing this particular opening, it being a little controversial, to say the least. Austria is not known for being full of chuckles and has a reputation for austerity, fascism and, well,  a certain stuffiness - but that all changed at The Baby Blue Banana comedy club as with the help of my Austrian babies, I unofficially opened...

Look how happy we all are! Of course we're happy! We're in Austria!

...Laughter!

Yes, that's right, you snip-happy lunatics! Laughter! Never again shall Austria miss out on this most fantastic demonstration of happiness! I'm here to bring joy, unofficial openers - I'm here to bring joy! Sadly none of Austria's famous faces could make it down for one reason or another so I had no opportunity to bump into Adolf Hitler, Johan Strauss II or Hans Krankl but there was a famous Austrian pop singer there, whose name escapes me. Oh well! Make sure you check back here soon for the second leg of my Central European Esoteric Unofficial Opening Opus!

Legs Eleven!

Greetings, unofficial openers! Our latest opening was a numerical nightmare to sort out and it only happened in the nick of time! Now I'm not one for waking up early so when the eleventh of November 2011 came about I knew there was no way I would have my scissors ready for 11.11am (And eleven seconds) so I figured I would instead wait until 11.11pm (And eleven seconds) on the eleventh day of the eleventh month of the eleventh year to get me some opening, unofficial-style.

To do this properly I would obviously need eleven people but I thought to myself that I'd got all day and it should have been easy to work out. I could then easily be at The Victoria pub (My favourite opening destination) to unofficially open a time. with a good twelve hours to sort it all out.

Wrong!

Well the day just flew by and I hardly had time to pack my ribbon before I was on my way to my monthly comedy show in Hitchin. The brilliant Matthew Hardy was on the bill and wouldn't you know it? The gig ran late and I only had (of course) eleven minutes to get to the pub!

The very funny Matthew Hardy - I had to put the camera on "zoom" to get this shot of him on stage at my comedy club...

I took huge loping strides along with a couple of snip happy compadrés, barged into said boozer and yelled "I need eleven people in the car park - NOW! Did I get them? YES! Did they know why they'd been dragged out into the cold? NOT REALLY.

Oops! Somebody's left his camera on the "zoom" setting and now we can't see everybody...

Minor consternation ensued when the cameraman explained that he had taken a close up shot and a couple of stragglers had to be reassembled. It also had run on to 11.12pm but hey - let's face it. Unofficial Opening is all about opening things that are already open so what better thing to do than be a minute late! Camera settings altered and gang reconstituted I was finally able to say that 11.11pm (and eleven seconds) on the eleventh day of the eleventh month in the year 2011 was unofficially.... OPEN!

I know what you're thinking - there are only nine people in this picture! That's because one of them was very short and is completely obscured by my apparently massive frame (!) and the other one... was taking the picture of course!

Sadly of the eleven assembled we did not include any of Hitchin's many Glitterati so I am sorry to report that we didn't have Arvind Parmar, Ben Hull, Kevin Phillips, King Offa or Pam Rhodes in attendance. I imagine they were all off playing tennis, acting, scoring goals, being a dead former king of Mercia or hosting Songs Of Praise respectively. Lastly, I have just realised that this is actually opening number 22, which as I'm sure you giddy ribboners will know, is exactly divisible by eleven! Oh I'm no stranger to Mister maths, my friends, no stranger at all. Make sure you check back here soon for more Unofficial Opening!

21 Today! - An unofficial opening of something before it's open!

According to the band "Serious Drinking", the revolution starts at closing time. No way! Not for us ribbon junkies it doesn't! The revolution starts right here - at opening time!

...And what an opening we did today! I realise that conceptually it's important to keep these major events as fresh and cutting edge as possible, so when my friend Maria asked me if I would unofficially open her Tranquil Therapy Reflexology And Reiki Swedish Massage Salon the day before it was officially opened, I fair old skipped round there, scissors at the ready! It wasn't long before we'd persuaded her (very funny) daughter Sofia to get involved (She didn't take a lot of persuading) and requisitioned her neighbour, Ron, to be on unofficial camera duty. I did try to explain to Ron what we were doing but I don't think he really had unofficial opening in his blood and eventually I gave up and we agreed he'd just take the pictures. So off we went!

Here are Maria and Sofia. Maria is the brains (and hands) behind "Tranquil". She is pictured to the right, should there be any confusion. I have no doubt that Sofia  will one day be a successful small business woman, but currently she is seven years old and needs regular breaks.

The two most difficult things were getting the angle right so we were all in the photograph (Ron's job) and getting my shoe and sock off, openers - I'm not as young as I used to be. Tasks taken care of, I didn't take much cajoling onto that oh-so-comfy massage table, scissor lovers, and with a mighty roar, the Tranquil Therapy Reflexology And Reiki Swedish Massage Parlour was unofficially...

Good shot, Ron! Please notice foot raised aloft for comedy effect. Do you like what I've done there, unofficial openers?

...OPEN! Sadly local Letchworth dignitaries Michael Winner (hates the place) and George Orwell (Dead) were unable to attend this most auspicious and unique of occasions, but I'm sure they were there with us in spirit. What am I saying "unique" for? They're ALL unique, ribbon freaks!

Footnote - lots of our ribbon holders have requested to keep the ribbon so they can do something imaginative with it, such as make quality headgear but this time round Sofia was very creative and mum Maria thought it was so good, she'd copy her (Mums, eh? Are they ever original?)

Fu Man Chu and you and you and...

Check back soon for more unofficial opening and don't forget - keep your eyes peeled, your ribbon tight and your scissors sharp - I could be unofficially opening something near you at any moment!


For more information: Tranquil Therapy , Holistic & Beauty treatments for relaxation, well being and restoring positive energy. Mariaprezio@btinternet.com

Opening 20 - Happy Birthday, Dad!

Seeing as the last opening I did was an entire nation, I decided that I needed to downsize a little in scale, if not in importance, scissor fans! Unofficial opening isn't all about the biggest and the greatest, it's sometimes about the situation and the circumstance. Hence, as a special treat for my Dad's birthday in our local "Harvester" restaurant, I thought I'd bring the old scissors and ribbon along for a little bit of unofficial opening, birthday style!

Well! Obviously the entire contingent could barely contain their excitement for the salad bar so I had to wait until we'd got healthy course number one down our sockets before I whipped out my camera and opening accoutrements and what a response! This was very much an all-male affair although my mum did take the photo. Sister-in-law Jane, niece Olivia (and her friend Charlotte) were all a little camera-shy but hey - that's their prerogative, unofficial openers!

Ahhh - what a happy family scene. (Clockwise from front) There's me, nephew Louis, brother Tim, dad Barry (The birthday boy - sixty two years young!) and nephew Matthew - all grinning with pride and rightly so - this was also our twentieth opening and the only thing better than the event itself was the ribs - mmmmm.... tasty!

Now I also give my holders the opportunity to keep the ribbon and my two nephews, Louis and Matthew were both very keen to retain hold of their halves of this most essential ingredient for any quality opening. I've had occasional interest in people adapting their ribbon as a top-notch clothing item and Check out opening five for a previous example of this but Matthew, unprompted, turned himself into a pocket-sized Kung Fu fighter without so much as a by your leave, you snip-happy hombres!

Matthew demonstrates an excellent use of discarded ribbon and doesn't he look a tinker!

Bruce Lee or Jackie Chan weren't around but I've got a feeling I may have bumped into Chuck Norris on my way to the gents but I couldn't be sure so best not dwell on that! Check back here whenever you can for more quality unofficial opening and remember, when it comes to scissory shenanigans, it's not the size of the opening that matters - it's the quality! 

Opening N N N N Nineteen and it's N N N N National!

Och Aye The Noo Unofficial Openers! My journey home from Scotland took a lot longer than I was expecting because I kept stopping at places with silly names for fun and games and obviously for some potential openings. Sadly, most of the places weren't as much fun as their names suggested and by the time I got to the border my scissor fingers were fair old itching to snip some ribbon in almost any circumstances.

The bizarrely named Crook Of Devon. I could find no information about this little place, what it's doing in Scotland I don't know and sadly there was no-one about. Hence my look of disgust -  I can't very well unofficially open something by myself, can I?

But what was I to do? I stopped off at the viewing point where our two nations collide because I had espied a burger van and, well, if I couldn't get an unofficial opening in before I left Caledonia, I was at least going to have a cheeseburger!

As I got out of the car I saw a group of lads clowning around by the border stone and offered to take a photo of all of them. They were made up that they could all get in the picture (They had been arguing about who would take the shot of the rest of them doing the clowning) and then - POW - it hit me! This was an opportunity that I was unlikely to get again. I got a cold sweat, I shook with trepidation and as they stared at me in disbelief I cried out "You could be ribbon holders! You could take the photo! It's opening time!"

Look at the genuine joy on the faces of these rapscallions! It's not every day you get to unofficially open an entire country!

Seconds later, there I was, scissors in hand, the ribbon was cut and I declared England unofficially... OPEN!

There wasn't a Roman in sight, I didn't hear a single Northumbrian pipe and I had failed to arrange for The Proclaimers and Lindisfarne to affect a Mexican stand off, but it was still emotional. Shortly after this the batteries on my camera died which was a shame - because I'd had another brilliant idea to unofficially close  Scotland on the way out. Never mind - they took the photo themselves! sadly, I'm still waiting for it but should it show up ever, I'll be sure to add it to this blog. Check back soon for more unofficial opening, ribbon fiends!

Opening 18 (just): Marsbarstewards harboring a terrible secret!

Hi there unofficial openers! Here's a bit of controversy for you! The day after I finished my run at The Edinburgh Fringe Festival 2011 I continued my Scottish Iliad in a Northerly vector as I travelled up to the ancient and historic town of Stonehaven on the Caledonian North East coast to compere a gig that featured Gary Delaney, Wayne The Weird and the quite ridiculous Trevor Lock. As I drove into the town I was welcomed with the following sign

Home of the pneumatic tyre? Hmm...

Well! I had no idea! As I continued into the town I also saw THIS!

...Makes sense now!

Famous for two things? The spare tyre and the deep fried mars bar - I can't help thinking the two are connected...

With no time to track down the birthplace of R.W. Thomson and possessing a particularly itchy scissor finger, I decided I simply had to unofficially open The Carron Fish Bar! But Oh woe! When I approached them I was DOWN RIGHT FLAT REFUSED to go anywhere near the place, ribbon fans. I asked for the manager who was busy upstairs and wouldn't even listen to my enquiry. I pondered this - why wouldn't they want a bit of free publicity? what could they possibly be hiding? They couldn't stop me taking a photo of myself though, looking thoroughly glum and bewildered...

As luck would have it, I managed to get the photo without the "M" for "Mars". Quite fitting, with hindsight.

...I don't give up that easily though and with the ribbon already cut I was going to have to unofficially open something and hit upon the idea of going down to the harbour. Parked up and with my mood already lifting I hit a double jackpot - not only is the little bay beautiful and steeped in history...

Stonehaven Harbour - an unlikely place for a meeting of minds but hey - that's Unofficial Opening for you!

...It was also being visited by a certain Ben and Heather. She set up the "UK Skeptics" group in Aberdeen and he had a very interesting angle on conspiracy theory. I told them of my deep-fried mars bar-related plight and without batting a skeptical eyelid he deduced that "Maybe The Carron Fish Bar is NOT really the birthplace of the deep fried mars bar". OF COURSE! They're living a lie, scissor people, THEY'RE LIVING A LIE. Anyway, all things considered, it seemed only right that they helped restore balance to the cosmos and thank goodness they did because their inspiration led me (later in the day) to perhaps my most esoteric opening yet. For now, though - let's consider Stonehaven Harbour officially...

Ben and Heather - ribbon holders of fine repute and cunning deduction

...OPEN! Come back soon for some more unofficial opening - and spread the word - That way, you never know, I could be in your town soon, cheekily sorting out a little bit of UNOFFICIAL OPENING!

Opening 17 - A big hill or not a big hill? That is the question!

Greetings unofficial openers! Seeing as I'm up here at The Edinburgh Fringe Festival it would have seemed sensible to get myself up Arthur's Seat and do a bit of unofficial opening al fresco, particularly as it dominates the scenery to the South and East of the city. It's perhaps the city's most famous landmark, surrounded as it is, in Holyrood Park about a mile from the castle. My problem, of course, is that I'm too lazy!

This is Arthur's Seat, as viewed from Edinburgh Castle. Apparently the easiest access is from its East side. I certainly couldn't be bothered to find out.

Seeing as there was absolutely no way I was ever going to climb it I was going to need an alternative. When I set myself an opening challenge, it has to be seen through. What I needed was an alternative Arthur's Seat. My first instinct was to look for a Seat Alhambra owned by anybody called Arthur and simply stand there and open it as he got out of the car.

Could this be Arthur's Seat?

This was also problematic as I didn't have the patience to ring everyone called Arthur in the Edinburgh area or indeed approach the Seat dealerships and ask them if they had sold their quality (and reasonably priced) people carriers to any men called Arthur.. What was I to do? it was such a quandary - but then, eureka! I hit on the rather ambitious idea of contacting Edinburgh's second most famous Arthur... Arthur Smith!

Comedy's favourite grump

Arthur can truly be called an Edinburgh legend. Surely he sits down sometimes and if he does, he's sitting on Arthur's seat. All I had to do was track him down. My flatmate Susan had appeared at his live gig "Arthur Smith's Pi**ed Up Chat Show" in The Pleasance Dome and said I should contact him. I didn't have an email address or a phone number and he could possibly have been a little tricky to actually find. After a couple of days of fruitless Smithsearching I gave up, went to the Loft Bar and got drunk. Fortunately, he'd had the same idea, we talked briefly and two nights later, there I was, unofficially opening the chair he was sat on!

Arthur Smith (Centre back), his sidekick, Derek (Really called Phil and who I played poker with the night before) to his right, one of the show's assistants to Arthur's left and yours truly, scissors in one hand, mic in the other to the front. I realise it looks a bit like I'm holding them to his throat, but that's just perspective, honest.

I also got to meet Cornelius Lysaght (who was one of the other guests) who is a thoroughly nice chap. Check back here for more quality unofficial opening soon and spread the word about this blog! Let's go unofficial opening crazy!

Openings 15 & 16 - Caves and kids!

Well it wouldn't be right that I'd come all the way to The Edinburgh Festival and not brought my scissors, now would it! Trust me to only have a limited supply of ribbon though - Doh! Anyway, in true Unofficial Openings style, I didn't open my own show the first day I was there in Auld Reekie. I opened it, of course, on the second. I also didn't even do it at the start of the show, but about fifteen minutes in. Thanks to these lovely ladies for this little beauty

The Unofficial Opening of "Tweeting Beauty", the comedy show I am performing at Edinburgh's most haunted pub, The Banshee Labyrinth. I am not actually as fat as I appear in the photo. I was at a funny angle. YES I WAS.

Sadly Gordon Brown couldn't make it down there and I imagine The Proclaimers were probably off yodelling their way around Lithuania or something. It wasn't enough for me though. The thing about The Fringe Festival is that it's utterly frantic and you get asked to do more and more things so scissors in hand, I went off to do a Kid's show the next day and BAM! My first pre-teen unofficial opening. This photo published with permission from the parents. We don't want getting in any trouble on here, Unofficial Openers!

One of the dads in the room took the photo and I think he did a great job! This was at Mike Belgrave and Nick Coppin's "Huggers" show. A great fun blend of comedy and madness for grown ups and kids alike - a bit like Unofficial Openings, then! My thanks to Ria Lina for lending me her kid as well. Oh and yes - the photo does indeed prove that I'm not as fat as I look in the previous one so nerr. I AM NOT FAT

Make sure to check back here regularly for more Unofficial Openings! Right, I need to get more ribbon - I'm fresh out of it!