Unofficially opening a foreign muppet theatre!

Having already opened Zagreb airport I really had the unofficial opening bit between my teeth as I travelled around Croatia last week but it took until Varasdin before I had my scissors and ribbon with me and the stars fell sufficiently into alignment for a cheeky little ad hoc opening just after I had performed on stage in this most beautiful of theatres

Me getting stuck in to 300 foreigners - just the way I like it

I dragged my driver, Filip round to the front doors (I know - I had a driver! This opening verged on official) and procured a couple of hot chicks who were eating ice creams. Well I'd already had the rock going on in Blackpool - so why not? I like a bit of confectionary symmetry. One of them was a little reluctant but when she saw my ribbon she fair old grabbed it. Carpe et diem, Croatian lady! Carpe et diem!

You're right - we had quite a few people hanging around watching this one and some of them even applauded when the ribbon was cut!

Sorry the photograph isn't better, but I'm afraid Filip (Although a very good driver) is a very bad photographer. The first shot he took failed to get any of us in the picture at all so this is actually something of a miracle. David Bailey would not be impressed. It's a good job he wasn't there. Neither was Goran Ivanisevic, more's the pity. I've always liked him.

Opening 8 - Overseas opening! (1)

I know, I know - you could have been mistaken in thinking that "Unofficial Openings" had closed but no! We've just been on hiatus as I've been through a phase of forgetting to take my ribbon out with me on excursions. Last week I remembered, however, and despite a minor logistical hitch (I had to put my scissors in my guitar case as they wouldn't let them on the plane in hand luggage, thus preventing any ad hoc openings on the way through the departure lounge) I got this little beauty on arrival at Zagreb airport which has now been unofficially..... OPENED!

Today's openers were my travelling companions (and fellow comedians), Nick Wilty and Sully O'Sullivan, both of whom needed little convincing that this was a good idea. The two women in the background are simply a little piece of eye candy...

Sadly, Slaven Bilic, Stiliyan Petrov and Robert Prosinecki  were unable to attend as they all had prior commitments, I imagine. This was our first hit-and-run opening as our driver Filip had to leave his car in an extremely dangerous place and run over to take the shot for me as I didn't fancy my chances of explaining to any Croatians what I was attempting to do. This is something I will have to take into consideration for later foreign trips.

A minor failure and a Live indoor first!

Unofficial Opening is not an exact science and is dependent on the occasional trigger fingers of untried snappers. Hence I only have one photo of my attempt to unofficially open The Langford New Comedian Of The Year on Friday night (Not the actual winner, obviously - that would be rude). This wasn't the only trial of the evening but was probably the least taxing:

The lovely Steve just couldn't seem to get one of my openers into the picture (I refuse to accept responsibility for my errant arm). I was also not about to punch the other one, honest.

Since I couldn't get both of the ribbon holders in the shot it of course means that I cannot say I successfully  opened the Langford New Comedian Of The Year...

...I was also upset that Adam Ant had failed to make it down there. I put it down to the constraints of the latest budget - fiscal measures affect pop stars too! I kept my fingers crossed that he would show up the next night, however as I had another opportunity over the weekend to put it right, in the shape of Dolly's House Party - a burlesque and comedy show I put on in my mate's front room. It's also my first LIVE opening, in that it was recorded on video as well as in photo form. Please excuse the two naughty words in it (i got a bit "Wayne Rooney") and enjoy!

Opening 6 - Rocked...

My friend Mia lives in Blackpool. Here she is by The North Pier:

Mier by the Pia and in the shadows, well not the band, just in a bit of shadow

She noticed I had a gig in Lancaster and suggested I went home via Blackpool so as to unofficially open its tower. Great idea! I thought but on arrival was stumped by it being covered in Scaffolding and various other building things which meant we couldn't get a good enough angle (or near enough to it) for a legitimate opening...

Curse you pesky renovators!

...The problem was that I had already got my ribbon ready and I wasn't going to waste it so I thought to myself  "What else is Blackpool famous for?". Rock of course! Right by the tower entrance there was a rock shop, called "Ginos" so I thought I'd open that instead. Cilla Black and Roy "Chubby" Brown and Al Green were nowhere to be seen (no real surprise about Al).

Here's the rock shop by the tower diner, with what appears to be a giant stick of rock in the way.

Unofficial openings are a four person operation and Mia and I were but two, so commandeered the shopkeeper Mervena, who looked very confused, was very Eastern European but had been sat there long enough to pick up a Lancashire twang. For my other unofficial opener I asked a girl at one of the tables (called Suzanne) outside the pub to the right of this photograph who had heard my explanation (and understood it far better than Mervena) and looked positively enthusiastic as she dived under the partition apron demarcating the pub's external borders and fair grabbed the ribbon off me for a cheeky little unofficial opening par excellence

You will notice Suzanne and Mervena  are holding sticks of rock for extra authenticity and that Mervena has remained seated (Which I actually found a little disrespectful of such an auspicious occasion)

In fact the only time Mervena got out of her chair was when she charged me for the rock

So there we have it - Gino's Rock shop by The Blackpool Tower unofficially OPEN! If you'd like me to come and unofficially open something near you then email me here

PS. This was the first time we got a spontaneous round of applause for an opening. The shadows give away the lateness of the day and there were half a dozen drinkers present throughout who I think it would be safe to say "Weren't on their first of the afternoon". It really completed the sense of occasion

Opening 5 - Bath time!

Have ribbon, will travel. I was in Bath on Sunday with a few hours to kill so I enlisted the help of Paul & Emily from the River Cottage Canteen at Komedia (Where I had been playing the night before), shortly after they had fed me much needed elderflower & rose juice, roast lamb and hot coffee. Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall was NOT in attendance. His reasons were undoubtedly legion.

Paul (holding ribbon) and Emily (wearing it). Notice Komedia sign in background. Ooh I'm right arty

We set off in search of something truly ancient. After Roman all over the place we settled on the Cross Bath of the ancient Thermae Spa. According to the official website, "Where the Cross Bath now stands, the Celts revered their goddess Sul, in whose honour the Romans named their spa town, Aquae Sulis. The Cross Spring is now recognised as an official sacred site". All I know is, it needed unofficially opening! We got lucky with today's random photographer, a lady tourist who was leaning her head back against the spa's outer wall, lost in the history and drama of her surroundings. Suffice to say she wasn't expecting me to come at her with a pair of scissors.

Ready...

Steady...

Go!

She was a cracking "unofficial opener" and took the above tryptych without prompting, instinctively understanding the importance of the occasion. I didn't catch her name.

Tell your friends about Unofficial Openings and if you'd like me to come and unofficially open something near you, email me here

Opening 4 - My First Refusal!

By no little surprise I drove from Blackwood to Caerphilly via Pontypool on Saturday. Should you look at a map you will see that this is the equivalent to going from Earth to Mars via Venus. I failed to encounter Max Boyce. I'll talk more about this in my other blog - you know - the proper one . It did give me the opportunity to pick up my accidental guide for the afternoon, "Bebe" in a lovely pub* called The Unicorn and she would prove vital to the wellbeing of today's venture - namely to unofficially open the largest (and only) moated castle in Wales, which had its original official opening in the late 13th Century during the reign of Henry III. I imagine this to have been a slightly grander affair to what I had in mind, particularly as the building of the castle had been hindered by the unwanted raiding of the Welsh terrorist, "Llywelyn The Last" which had infuriated the sub-contractors as they were suppose to be off to put a conservatory on the back of the one at Conwy but eventually lost out to N&P Windows.

Here's Edwards The Latest proudly showing off his potential acquisition, Caerphilly Castle. The box of electronic switches in the bottom left corner of the photograph were a later addition to the original plans which were drawn up some time around 1268. Castles in Wales didn't become electrified until at least 1330, largely because the sparkies on sight had quite a long lunch break that day

I honestly expected this one to be a breeze. There's nothing a happy tourist or sightseer likes more than to be asked to take a photo or even be in one and I didn't envisage any problems at all when I got to the gate, ribbon and scissors in hand.

Wrong.

Bebe and I approached a friendly enough looking young couple, smiled and explained what was going on, that it would only take a few seconds, would be a bit of a laugh and they could even keep the ribbon. They told us that they would "Rather not as this is not something we wish to be involved with" and walked off huffily. Dumbfounded, I withdrew to the safety of the castle itself, stopping only to buy my mother a spoon in the gift shop. Quite clearly, if this bad boy was going to get unofficially opened, we would have to tread a lot more Caerphilly. The castle is brilliant by the way and has a selection of 13th century death machines within its walls that you can climb on. I enjoyed the mangonel and the trebuchet (Actually trebuchets are my favourites - don't tell the mangonels) but kept my distance from the ballista as there were already kids playing on it and I didn't want to be held responsible if one of them was suddenly shot into the moat. I resigned myself to having the castle down as my first fail but Bebe was having none of it. As we departed she espied two elderly ladies and set off in hot pursuit (They didn't take a lot of catching). By the time I had reached them she had already press ganged them into helping us. I said "thank you very much ladies" and one of them replied "Where are you from?" in that sinister I hate you way that can only really be done justice in a Valleys accent. It would have even scared Kelly Jones from Stereophonics if he'd been there, but he wasn't. I said simply (and quietly) "Hertfordshire". She smiled and said "Oh that's nice". I positioned them at the entrance to the castle and flash,bang, wallop - WHAT A PICTURE!

The lady on my left was the terrifyingly nice one. The other was just glad to be there hence her rather casual stance by the bollard. These were the first two (unofficial openers) who had at first refused to hold the ribbon tight and took a little bit of cajoling. 

So there we go - Caerphilly Castle unofficially opened! If you would like me to unofficially open something in your town, email me here . Thanks for reading, please do "follow" this if you haven't already and please do spread the word about Unofficial Openings!

*This reads a lot worse than it actually was.

Indoor opening!

Well it was only  a matter of time... my first indoor opening... This time at Maes Manor in Blackwood, South Wales, with the help of Kate's 30th birthday party...

I had tried to unofficially open the start of the show but the old bloke on the front messed up the photograph by managing to only get me in it so I had to unofficially open the first interval instead, with the help of lots of lovely young Welsh ladies and a far younger man on snapper duty.

It was a really good fun gig. Neither Dylan Thomas nor Catherine Zeta Jones were there but never mind that -  I know what you're thinking: "Oh yes, Paul but where were the audience? Just to prove it really happened - Here they are...

Some of these people actually were pleased with the whole thing...

I don't know what to say about this, other than I  was going to unofficially open Leigh Delamere services on the way down to our favourite principality but their burgers were so astronomically expensive I refused on principle, got back in the car and left. Also - the initial photo mess up led to this also being my first "double ribboner" which has meant I might be back in the haberdasher's a day earlier than expected. The trials of an unofficial opener! 

If YOU would like me to unofficially open something, please email me here and I'll try and sort it out, within reason. My proper blog is here