Opening 4 - My First Refusal!

By no little surprise I drove from Blackwood to Caerphilly via Pontypool on Saturday. Should you look at a map you will see that this is the equivalent to going from Earth to Mars via Venus. I failed to encounter Max Boyce. I'll talk more about this in my other blog - you know - the proper one . It did give me the opportunity to pick up my accidental guide for the afternoon, "Bebe" in a lovely pub* called The Unicorn and she would prove vital to the wellbeing of today's venture - namely to unofficially open the largest (and only) moated castle in Wales, which had its original official opening in the late 13th Century during the reign of Henry III. I imagine this to have been a slightly grander affair to what I had in mind, particularly as the building of the castle had been hindered by the unwanted raiding of the Welsh terrorist, "Llywelyn The Last" which had infuriated the sub-contractors as they were suppose to be off to put a conservatory on the back of the one at Conwy but eventually lost out to N&P Windows.

Here's Edwards The Latest proudly showing off his potential acquisition, Caerphilly Castle. The box of electronic switches in the bottom left corner of the photograph were a later addition to the original plans which were drawn up some time around 1268. Castles in Wales didn't become electrified until at least 1330, largely because the sparkies on sight had quite a long lunch break that day

I honestly expected this one to be a breeze. There's nothing a happy tourist or sightseer likes more than to be asked to take a photo or even be in one and I didn't envisage any problems at all when I got to the gate, ribbon and scissors in hand.

Wrong.

Bebe and I approached a friendly enough looking young couple, smiled and explained what was going on, that it would only take a few seconds, would be a bit of a laugh and they could even keep the ribbon. They told us that they would "Rather not as this is not something we wish to be involved with" and walked off huffily. Dumbfounded, I withdrew to the safety of the castle itself, stopping only to buy my mother a spoon in the gift shop. Quite clearly, if this bad boy was going to get unofficially opened, we would have to tread a lot more Caerphilly. The castle is brilliant by the way and has a selection of 13th century death machines within its walls that you can climb on. I enjoyed the mangonel and the trebuchet (Actually trebuchets are my favourites - don't tell the mangonels) but kept my distance from the ballista as there were already kids playing on it and I didn't want to be held responsible if one of them was suddenly shot into the moat. I resigned myself to having the castle down as my first fail but Bebe was having none of it. As we departed she espied two elderly ladies and set off in hot pursuit (They didn't take a lot of catching). By the time I had reached them she had already press ganged them into helping us. I said "thank you very much ladies" and one of them replied "Where are you from?" in that sinister I hate you way that can only really be done justice in a Valleys accent. It would have even scared Kelly Jones from Stereophonics if he'd been there, but he wasn't. I said simply (and quietly) "Hertfordshire". She smiled and said "Oh that's nice". I positioned them at the entrance to the castle and flash,bang, wallop - WHAT A PICTURE!

The lady on my left was the terrifyingly nice one. The other was just glad to be there hence her rather casual stance by the bollard. These were the first two (unofficial openers) who had at first refused to hold the ribbon tight and took a little bit of cajoling. 

So there we go - Caerphilly Castle unofficially opened! If you would like me to unofficially open something in your town, email me here . Thanks for reading, please do "follow" this if you haven't already and please do spread the word about Unofficial Openings!

*This reads a lot worse than it actually was.

Indoor opening!

Well it was only  a matter of time... my first indoor opening... This time at Maes Manor in Blackwood, South Wales, with the help of Kate's 30th birthday party...

I had tried to unofficially open the start of the show but the old bloke on the front messed up the photograph by managing to only get me in it so I had to unofficially open the first interval instead, with the help of lots of lovely young Welsh ladies and a far younger man on snapper duty.

It was a really good fun gig. Neither Dylan Thomas nor Catherine Zeta Jones were there but never mind that -  I know what you're thinking: "Oh yes, Paul but where were the audience? Just to prove it really happened - Here they are...

Some of these people actually were pleased with the whole thing...

I don't know what to say about this, other than I  was going to unofficially open Leigh Delamere services on the way down to our favourite principality but their burgers were so astronomically expensive I refused on principle, got back in the car and left. Also - the initial photo mess up led to this also being my first "double ribboner" which has meant I might be back in the haberdasher's a day earlier than expected. The trials of an unofficial opener! 

If YOU would like me to unofficially open something, please email me here and I'll try and sort it out, within reason. My proper blog is here

Opening 2 - The complicit hair salon

Well I was on a roll after my first unofficial opening so I drove very carefully to Hitchin (my engine management light was on, oh dear) and got parked up right outside my mate Felix's hair salon (Where I had devised the very concept of unofficially opening things). Unfortunately, he had buggered off to Welwyn Village so I was forced to go around to his deadly rivals and unofficially open their shop instead. At no point was controversial Libyan despot Colonel Gaddafi present. I should think he was busy. There was also no sign of Arsene Wenger, although coincidentally they both have footballing connections and sometimes get their hair cut.

This was an all-male affair as you can see. Mark the salon proprietor held one end of the ribbon. The other end was reluctantly held by his client, who was forced to not only have his trim interrupted (A trimterrupt?) but also to stand outside with a gown on. I wouldn't like you to think he was just a passing superhero.

Here's the aftermath of my unceremonial scissoring - with Mark looking disarmingly camp.  When I say this was a completely  male affair it's not strictly true - a woman took the photos - although she is a lesbian at the moment, despite our efforts.

Critics of my first opening will notice we were far closer to the entrance this time, throwing caution (And potential customers) to the wind. A woman working in the jewellers opposite had cocked her head at a funny angle at the whole thing and was laughing hysterically. I guess it was a slow day on the Elizabeth Duke. Oh and I'll let you know about the car next week on my other blog, by which time I should have taken my unofficial openings further afield! Please spread the word about my unofficial openings and if you would like me to come and unofficially open your place of work, email me here

The first opening!

I'd better just explain what's going on here. I had an idea the other day to randomly unofficially open local businesses that were already in operation for no other reason than I could. I talked it through with one or two people whose only concerns seemed to be that I "would need a lot of ribbon" and "Might get arrested for a breech of the peace".

Me with two of the most important things you need for an unofficial opening - scissors and ribbon - right there in my top pocket!

I figured that at least early doors it was unlikely to get a lot of attention but enough people thought it was a good idea so I've gone for it. I expect the blog to really be not much more than photographs with lengthy captions and it is really a companion  to the story of my unremarkable life although I have yet to really think it through sufficiently to be any more detailed than that. The first opening was advertised at a comedy show and a few people showed up to see it - two of which held the ribbon, one of whom took the photos.

Thanks to Kris for showing up and taking this "action" photo of the  first snipped ribbon.  Ribbon-holders are Jane and her friendwhosenameescapesme* who had interrupted their lunch break to get involved in this nonsense. With confidence I plan to get closer to the shops in future - but come on - tiny acorns...

There was also a lady hanging out of an upstairs window opposite and a man who showed up a minute too late to film it. I apologised profusely to him but felt the need to move on as there was a traffic warden nearby who was watching me suspiciously and I thought she might call for back up. At no time was Justin Timberlake present.

Here's the Guerilla-style photograph as taken from an upstairs window by a very excited Linda from the Arts Centre over the road. Apparently a few people in the cafe were looking out of the window, wondering what was going on, but I didn't see them. Maria and her friend in the cafe were disappointed that I hadn't told them it was happening as they had wanted to hold the ribbon themselves

Well it's a hobby. I shall update this blog as and when I unofficially open things. Thanks for reading it and please spread the word. I currently have nine metres of ribbon left which should do about another six unofficial openings.

*Whose name I now remember is "Paula". You'd think I'd have known  that, really - it's only one letter off my own.